Stories To Be

Bits and Pieces of my stories. Some posts here will be continuances of a story. Some will be details or ideas for a scene or other part of a story that isn't next but I don't want to forget. Each post will be titled with the name of the story it belongs to, to keep things from being confusing.

Stories In Progress

  • Bane of Death
  • Tabled Unfinished Stories

  • Troia
  • The Lost Song
  • New Mutants: Angel
  • The Unending Story
  • Finished Stories

  • End, The - Feint of Heart Warning
  • Faith Winterfields
  • Flight
  • Chronicles of Gaia
  • Project, The
  • What's At S.T.E.A.K.
  • Poems

  • Sense of Wonder
  • Happiness In Health
  • Thoughts
  • Anticipation (of News)

  • Please let me know what you think!  Comment or e-mail me.  Both positive and negitive critiques expected!

    Sunday, May 01, 2005

    New Scene: WoD Story: Becoming a Pack 

    "So now what?" Nathaniel asked, walking over to his two new best friends.

    "I don't think anything has really changed," Melinda commented while drawing doodles in the dirt around the fire pit with a stick. "Before we found out this wasn't a disease, we agreed to defend our kind from being prayed upon, help keep them safe."

    "She's right. 'Our kind' has a different meaning, but your original idea for us is still a good one," Orion added from the chair he was sitting on.

    "Who's going to lead us?" Nathaniel asked.

    "That's a very good question," AAA replied, looking with interest at each of the three before her. "Which one of you will be the Alpha?"

    "Well, I don't want the job," Nathaniel informed them all with a turn of his hand.

    "I'll be the Alpha," Orion stated more than offered.

    "No, I'm the Alpha," Melinda claimed as if it was obvious.

    "Why you?" Orion challenged.

    AAA quietly backed off. This was something they had to work out on their own.

    Melinda looked genuinely confused. "Because I'm always in charge," she explained without even a hint of ego her words implied.

    Orion's eyes narrowed slightly. "This isn't some social group or school club or like whatever organizations you're used to running. This is our lives from now on. The way we live, the way we fight, they way we learn, and possibly even the way we die."

    "I know that," Melinda told him with attitude to match his. She stood up to look him directly in the eye. "I was there that night too. In fact, I'm part of the reason we didn't die."

    "We were as much lucky as we were smart," Orion reminded her, sidestepping having to acknowledge her plan had been a great deal of why anyone survived.

    "So you think you would be better than I at leading?" She brought them back on topic. "Because..." she looked at him to fill in the rest of her statement.

    "Can you be impartial? Always?" he asked of her.

    "No, of course not," she replied with a shrug. "No one-"

    "I can," he asserted.

    She looked at his dubiously. "So what? Can you be practical? Always?" she turned his tactic around on him.

    "Being impartial is being practical," he retorted, and crossed his arms.

    "No, it most definitely is not," Melinda informed him. He opened his mouth to respond, but she held up her hand and continued talking. "Either way, the really important question is, if you were Alpha and did something, made a decision or gave an order or acted in some manner, and I told you were wrong, would you listen?"

    "Ha!" Orion scoffed. "No. If it were reversed, would you?"

    "Yes," Melinda answered matter-of-factly.

    "You l-" Orion started to accuse Melinda, when Nathaniel stepped between them.

    "Now wait a minute. This is interesting. Orion, why did you say no?"

    "Because, if I were the Alpha, I wouldn't be wrong. What I do or say would be what is."

    "I see," Nathaniel nodded slowly as he considered the answer. "Melinda, why did you say yes?"

    "Because I need to know everything there is to know if I'm going to be able to make the right decisions. If someone thinks I'm wrong, it might be because I don't have all the information. Once I hear what the person has to say, then I will know if I was wrong or not."

    Nathaniel nodded and looked back at Orion. "Well she has my support."

    Orion clenched his teeth. "This isn't a democracy."

    "I agree," Melinda stated. She slowly pushed Nathaniel out of the way while staring at Orion. "If you want to be the Alpha, you will have to take it."

    Nathaniel backed up to where AAA was watching. "Is this how this should be decided?"

    "Absolutely," AAA answered. "They understand how we do things. Pay more attention to your own instincts and you will too." He turned his attention to the fight that was starting. "Either one would make a good Alpha," AAA commented to no one in particular.

    Melinda took up a ready stance that clearly indicated she did not know how to fight. "Wolf," she announced to all.

    Nathaniel and AAA looked at each other wondering what that meant.

    Orion crouched down, and shifted into (wolf) form. Melinda waited for him, opting to stay in (human). When he started moving, so did Melinda. "Throat," she announced as before. At that same moment Orion jumped at her, and she intentionally fell onto her hands and knees. Orion sailed over her. Just as he landed on the ground, Melinda lashed out with a foot and struck him hard in the hind thigh.

    Orion quickly turned around and growled. Melinda grabbed a thick stick with her right hand and scrambled to get back on her feet. "Right," she announced. Orion lunged at her, making an attempt for her left arm. Melinda dodged to her right and cracked the stick against his neck, snapping it in two. "Leg," she said.

    "She's calling his attacks!" Nathaniel finally realized.

    Sure enough, Orion moved to take Melinda's left leg out from under her. Because she had shifted all her weight to her right foot, he was successful in his attempt. Melinda didn't recover in time and fell hard on her butt and right elbow. She lost the stick due to the jarring, but quickly regained it with her left hand. Nathaniel thought it was too short now to be of much use, but Melinda proved him wrong. "Maul," she announced. And as Orion closed on her with an open maw, she jammed the stick vertically into his mouth.

    Momentarily stunned by the action, Orion inadvertently gave Melinda enough time to get away from him. He first tried to get the stick out by forcefully closing his mouth so it would break. Instead he only hurt himself. Growling in anger, he shifted forms so he had a hand to reach in and pull the stick out with.

    The next thing he knew, his head hurt much more and there was a ringing in his ears. He suddenly realized he had lost track of Melinda. Turning toward the pain, he saw her swinging a folding chair at him. He turned again fast enough to not get caught in the face. But the force of the impact sent him to the ground.

    Melinda instantly dropped the chair. She ran over to Orion and grabbed him by the throat with her left hand. He clawed at her, trying to force her to let go. With her right hand she pulled a Swiss Army knife out of her pocket, flipped the blade, and placed it on his throat next to her other hand.

    For a moment neither Melinda nor Orion did anything.

    Melinda broke the silence, but didn't move. "I would have followed the order, even if I thought you were wrong," she informed him.

    "I will, even if I think you are wrong," Orion promised, "Alpha."

    Melinda smiled and let go of him. Orion turned away from her, and rubbed his neck and jaw while he sulked over his loss.

    Nathaniel jumped up and headed over to Melinda with a grin. "Nice job!"

    "Thanks," she replied, her attention half elsewhere. She looked at Orion's back and shook her head softly. What was the best way to soothe a sore looser? In Orion's case she wasn't sure if anything but time could.

    "Let's get back to the others," Melinda said. "We have some land to claim."

    Orion nodded at that. He squared his shoulders and turned around to join her and Nathaniel.

    "Now, we are pack," Nathaniel proclaimed with nod of his head.

    Laughter broke out behind him. The trio turned to see their elders approaching them. "You still have much to learn, young ones," BBB informed them with an amused shake of his head. "You are not a pack yet. Before you will be recognized as a pack, you should find a totem to (patron) your pack and somehow convince the totem to do so. You must also decide what your purpose as a pack will be. And before you can approach a totem, you must choose an Alpha. No totem, nor any Uratha, will acknowledge you as a pack without an Alpha!"

    "I am the Alpha," Melinda announced. She stepped forward from her pack and lifted her head in challenge to BBB's statements. "Ours is to help and protect our family, the Wolf-Blooded. And we," she gestured to Orion and Nathaniel, "are (the Lost Song)."

    Labels: ,

    posted by Jennifer Michelle  @10:35 PM


    Comments


    StormWyvern said:
    Critique, Round 2.

    What's striking me about this section is that the POV seems to jump around a bit too much. I think you need to solidify whose perspective is the best for us to see this from and make an effort to stick to it. As is, I feel like we're seeing one person's thoughts, then another, and so on, but we're not really getting the whole picture of what any one character is thinking. The idea isn't to start every sentence with "Nathaniel saw", "Nathaniel heard", Nathaniel thought". (I'm using Nathaniel as an example because he's the character you start with.) It's just to make sure that we don't get any information that Nathaniel wouldn't have.

    It is possible to write a scene that isn't from the POV of any one character. (Third person omniscient, if I remember my Creative Writing correctly.) But it can be very tough. If you want to make it work that way, you kind of have to lay all your cards on the table. You can't make the readers privy to some of a character's thoughts but hold others back as secrets. It gets confusing. Just as it can get confusing when the POV shifts from paragraph to paragraph.

    Otherwise, it's looking good so far. Nicely done fight scene.
     
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