Stories To Be

Bits and Pieces of my stories. Some posts here will be continuances of a story. Some will be details or ideas for a scene or other part of a story that isn't next but I don't want to forget. Each post will be titled with the name of the story it belongs to, to keep things from being confusing.

Stories In Progress

  • Bane of Death
  • Tabled Unfinished Stories

  • Troia
  • The Lost Song
  • New Mutants: Angel
  • The Unending Story
  • Finished Stories

  • End, The - Feint of Heart Warning
  • Faith Winterfields
  • Flight
  • Chronicles of Gaia
  • Project, The
  • What's At S.T.E.A.K.
  • Poems

  • Sense of Wonder
  • Happiness In Health
  • Thoughts
  • Anticipation (of News)

  • Please let me know what you think!  Comment or e-mail me.  Both positive and negitive critiques expected!

    Wednesday, April 27, 2005

    New Scene - WoD Story - Intro Nathaniel 

    That was the third time today someone had tapped on his shoulder, and when he turned around no one was there. It was the fifth time in three days. He knew he was being followed, he could feel it, but he couldn't see anyone near him. He was certain someone had been watching him for days, but he hadn't been able to catch anyone in the act. And last night he had been kept up by voices. Most were gibberish to his ears, but one he had partially understood. It had been speaking an old form of Latin. That was what made him certain he wasn't hallucinating any of it.

    Most people would be getting spoked by this point. Nathaniel was getting sick of it. He knew something was playing with him. Not someone, for no one could vanish that quickly, at least not someone human.

    Nathaniel believed in ghosts and goblins and witches and fairies and gods and all sorts of things most people dismissed nowadays. He had studied too much religion, legend and science to believe miracles were miraculous, or that human actions were the explanation for everything. He knew that some spirit or the like was messing with him. What he didn't know was why.

    "Why!" he loudly demanded to know. He jabbed a finger towards the sky. "Leave me alone! You hear me? LEAVE. ME. ALONE!" He pointed at several random spots the way a parent points at a teen to make sure the child understands what had just been said. He looked around to be sure nothing was acting in spite of him, and saw all the people who had been walking by where now staring at him. Slowly he lowered his hand and turned back towards his destination.

    Minutes later he could feel "they" were back. Frowning, he slowly looked around. This time there was no one to be seen, not even people going about their lives. Suddenly he felt hands trying to push him. There was an urgency in the air around him, like he could feel someone screaming at him to run. Whatever had been playing with him for the last few days was now panicking. It was enough to make him take a step in the direction the invisible hands were pushing. But he couldn't just blindly run. After all, he wasn't afraid of anything right now. He had to know why first. What was coming? Should he even trust the beings that had been driving him crazy for days? Perhaps it was another prank.

    "No," he said to whomever was listening. "I've had enough of you. Either you tell me what you are and why you're following me, or I go ahead." He waited for as long as he felt was reasonable. Getting no response, he started on.

    He could feel the urgency around him escalate as he walked. Unconsciously he moved faster. His eyes darted from side to side looking for the cause of the panic. He heard the creature a second before he saw it, which was not enough time for him to get out of the way. A large wolf, with seemingly human features, jumped on him with so much force he was knocked to the ground. The creature bit into his shoulder, not enough to mess it up but more than enough to draw blood. It then nudged Nathaniel's head and took off. It disappeared into the nearby park before Nathaniel could get to his feet.

    The spirits that had tried to warn him of the attack began patting his head and poking at the punctures in his shoulder.

    "Stop it," he got out between grimaces of pain, futilely waving away everyone around his shoulder. Though they could physically affect him, he didn't expect he could physically affect them back. "Go away," was all he could think to say. "Please." He simply wanted to figure out what the heck had just happened, and get to a hospital in case he needed a rabies shot. To his surprise, they left. He new it wouldn't be forever, but at least he would have some peace from the supernatural world for the time being.

    -----

    Days later Nathaniel was in the worst pain of his life. It felt like his limbs where stretching and tearing and bending in ways they hadn't been designed to go. The worst part of it was, when he opened his eyes he could see his limbs actually were doing those things! His spirits were being no help, even though some were trying to calm him or ease his pain - and failing miserably - it seemed some were encouraging the process and enjoying his torture.

    Then his face started to contort more than it already was in anguish. His mouth and nose were pulled away from their normal places. His forehead sloped back and his neck shifted. He tried to scream to ease the pain. Instead a guttural yawl emerged.

    By the time he was a wolf he knew he was insane. He figured he was probably dying as well, if not already dead, off to join those spirits that would not leave him alone. Then he would get to pester some poor fool. But it wouldn't do to be a wolf spirit, since he was born a human, right? No, he had to get back to being a human before he could go haunt anyone, it just wouldn't do to be any other way.

    Nathaniel fought struggled against his own body for the rest of the night. He was pretty sure he had existed in at least three different forms before he found his way back to being human again. When dawn arrived Nathaniel lay exhausted on his floor. Just before he fell asleep he managed to put together enough brainpower to figure out what had happened to him. That creature that bit him last week was a werewolf, and now he was one also. (Damn it...,) he berated himself as he slipped into unconsciousness, (why... didn't I listen... to the spirits....)

    Labels: ,

    posted by Jennifer Michelle  @11:05 PM


    Comments


    StormWyvern said:
    Hi Jen. I'm trying to sit down and read a few chunks of your story so I can throw a bit of feedback your way. What you've got is good, but I think it could definitely be better. The whole thing seems a bit too short and way too calm considering the events. It's one thing to believe in supernatural beings and occurances, but it's quite another to have a werewolf jump out and bite you. That may be a perfectly normal and expected thing for your readers, but I'm guessing it isn't for Nathaniel. I'd describe the actual attack a bit more fully, get across how shocking and confusing and painful the experience is for Nathaniel. You can probably keep it feeling like a fast event by describing the speed of the werewolf and Nathaniel's reaction to it or keeping the actual sentences short to get a fast paced rhythm.

    The second scene feels like a bit too much of a jump from where you left off in the previous one. Last we saw Nathaniel, he was thinking about going to the hospital to get a rabies shot. Next scene, we don't discover that he's in his own home until the last paragraph. Did he just go home? Why didn't he go to the hospital if he was clear-headed enough to think of it? How did he even get home in his injured state, especially without anyone noticing? You can still pick up with Nathaniel at home, just add a bit of recap to keep it clear what happened.

    Spelling and gammar-wise, I think "guttural yawl" should be "guttural yowl". (Though correct me if I'm wrong.) Also for "ease his pain - and failing miserably - it seemed", use a period or semicolon in place of the second dash.

    I know that seems like a lot of critique, but I wouldn't bother pointing out the problems if I didn't think the story was looking good otherwise.
     

    Jennifer Michelle said:
    I really appreciate the comments!

    On reading back through this scene, I've decided I need to re-write much of it. Nathaniel's reactions are wrong, and you're right it could use more description.

    In fact, I think a lot of what I've written for this story already could use more description of setting.
     
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