As I Live and Learn

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Nightmare? Or Real Fear?

I had a bad dream last night. I know because it woke me up, and when I woke I was still scared like I had been in the dream. Better yet, I couldn't fall back asleep because I was so worried by it. So much so that I got up, fretted, and finally e-mailed work to say I wasn't coming in today. I was up at least an hour before I managed to fall back asleep. (More on this in a bit.)

Last week I had a dream bothering enough to wake me up. But after I woke, the emotions from the dream (which I refuse to remember) faded in a couple minutes and I was able to fall back asleep. Not happy about it, but still.

Last year sometime I think it was, I had a bad dream involving my brother. It was completely a stress dream, and I ended up classifying it as a bad dream because of how I ended up treating my brother in it and how it left me feeling in the morning.

Before that, it's been years since I've had a bad dream (as far as I remember). That one was in 2000, after I had graduated college but before I interviewed for the job I ended up getting. That I would probably classify as an all out nightmare, except for the circumstances around it. Actually there were two that week, both related. And the circumstances of them are not related to the point of this post, so I'm not going to get into them. If you want to know, ask.

When I was young, I had nightmares. I still remember some of them, especially the themed or reoccurring ones. They happened at least through Elementary school. I can't remember when it was, Junior High or early High School, but at some point I decided I was no longer going to have nightmares. And I didn't.

After I graduated college, the two would be nightmares I don't count. In my first apartment that I lived in by myself I had a couple unsettling or bad dreams, but they weren't nightmares. After I was laid off I don't recall even unsettling dreams. After I started my new job here in Michigan I started having those "it's the day of a big test and I haven't been to class all year" type dreams. I'd never had those before! And funnier still, they started with me going back to college while still working, and missing move in day. Then not being able to find orientation. The dreams progressed through first semester, yearly finals, then the start of sophomore year (at some point the having a job and being in school thing stopped, it was just about school), and on and on, finally through graduation. The two one I remember were actually going back to High School for the first day after graduating college! (as an undercover student?), and then going back to Junior High for a visit. So weird.

But anyway. It's clear since I graduated college, I've developed having stress dreams when there is stress in my life. Annoying. Since dreaming is supposed to be where I can get away or enjoy myself as I can't in real life!

I'm still debating whether I'm going to let last night's dream be called a nightmare or night. It obviously stemmed directly from my fear of heights, which has been getting creepingly more common the last year or so, because I have to go to work everyday and deal with being on (what they call) the 22nd floor. It's definitely too high for me. I had problems when I first started the job. But I managed to "get used to" it I think. My fear only flaring every once in a great while, or when that tornado came through. But it's been hitting me more often these days. Once several months ago I had to get someone to come with me on the elevator because I was so scared because when I tried to step in the elevator on my own it felt like the elevator abruptly slanted sideways, even though it hadn't.

But last night's dream was so intense, I couldn't completely calm down until I told myself I wasn't going into the office today. Then I was okay, staying home. So that's what I did. *sigh*

What happened? Well, a fire started in the really tall building across the street from the building I work in. By the time I, or anyone in my office, noticed in my dream the fire was spread across several of the upper floors of the building, smoke billowing out of some of the windows. I started packing up, myself not going to allow me to stay in the office with that going on next door, because I knew it was going to get worse and cause all sorts of problems. Before I could finish, the sides of the other building where the fire was exploded out. And our building rocked. I had to ask if our building actually had moved, or if that was my fear getting me again (because in real life I occasionally feel the building shift or lean slightly). As I high tailed it out of the office, others verified I was not crazy this time. It seemed to me our building was a bit tilted now too. Nick was the only other person in our office who just dropped everything and got out, as I did. In the hall I briefly wondered whether to take the stairs or the elevator. The elevator would be faster, in case the building was going to come down, but the stairs were the safer bet in every other way. Nick pressed the button for an elevator, and it came quickly. Since he got in, I did to with him. We lay down on the floor, just in case. His reasoning was the same as mine, we had to get out of this building as fast as possible, and for the moment things seemed okay enough. At first things were fine in the elevator, and I was upset for having left my backpack and all my other stuff. I had to remind myself my life was more important. But then it started dropping faster than normal. We both felt it. I reached up to press the 15 floor to get the elevator to slow down (and stop). But I was too late, we were further down than I thought. Thankfully the elevator slowed and came to a stop in the first floor very soon afterwards. (I wonder if that was the automatic recall to the first floor that went into effect?) Anyhoo, Nick and I got off and rushed out of the building, with a bunch of other people. We got separated as we tried to get away.

To summarize the rest of the dream: The building that had been on fire was gone. My building was indeed coming down. And with all the people running and all the crazy around, it was awful. We kept getting stuck, the escape routes cut off, or got into places we couldn't find a way out of. It was awful.

There isn't another building as tall as the one I work in anywhere near the building I work in. There's one across the street that comes to maybe 5 or 10 stories below the floor I work on, but that's it. And that wasn't the building on fire in my dream. Also, the building I work in is much thicker than it was in my dream. In real life the building gets bigger as you go down floors, and at the 11th story gets really long and wide. Meaning the base is very stable, and the tower I work in is actually only several stories tall, not dozens. But even though I told myself that after waking, it didn't matter. I had to "call in sick" and work from home today.

Posted by: trekker9er : 2:52 PM

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