I've been collecting my writings from years gone by as I find them. Each time I move - now 5 times in the last 3 years - I find more scraps, loose sheets, etc. with my thoughts from various times in my life. I've decided to copy as many of them as I can here to try and keep from losing them again, and to share with the world. Please feel free to comment as thoughts occur to you. Either send them to trekker9er@yahoo.com or use the comment links here. Thanks, and Enjoy!

Sunday, June 26, 2005

 What she left behind

Baby Pictures
Online Baby Book

She trained me. I am NOT a morning person, or rather I wasn't. I always needed time to wake up, and did not like to be talked to or bothered during that time. Did not like noise nor lights either. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! was the way it went with me in the morning. The first couple days I had her she'd wake me up, early for me, and then she'd want attention or would be crying for something I had to figure out. I was thinking "Ahh! Just give me 15 to 20 minutes!" But I've noticed now I wake up and am ready to deal. I still don't want noise and can't really think about complex things right away, but otherwise I'm pretty fully awake right away. The baby trained the non-morning person outta me!

Friday night I did not sleep well. I kept waking up. Sometimes expecting to hear the baby. Other times to change position. When I finally got up Saturday morning, I walked into the living room and saw her bouncer still sitting on my coffee table. I started tearing up again as my heart sunk a bit. I miss her so!

Her bassinet. They don't want it back. So I'm going to keep it, at least as long as I feel like it. As the week neared it's end, I was searching for something of hers I could keep, to remind me of her. But I couldn't think of anything that I shouldn't be sending back to her parents with her. In the end, when I played Shania Twain on Friday, I realized that was the thing. I had played Shania Twain for her not too long after she had first been left alone with me, and then I was playing it no too long before she was leaving. That was what I had to keep of her. But now I also have the bassinet.... I'll probably keep it for whomever next has a child as well, as it's still good and can be passed on.

Kim suggested to me writing a letter to her to help ease my feelings over her leaving, one I can give to her when she's older. That's a good idea. Plus I have these posts.

It was a good thing Kim came over on Friday, she took me out and made me eat. I wasn't at all hungry on Friday evening, and after I ate I still felt the same. I wouldn't have eaten if she'd hadn't forced me. Not a good situation. The baby's departure has caused a depression in me. It seems to be subsiding though, so no worries.

Saturday I was in a fragile emotional state. I had no real desire to do things but try to "fix" my kitchen and see Steve and Kim's girls (a substitute for the baby, I very much wanted to hug a little one). Pictures of my reunion not having been printed off the roll of film I had turned in to be developed instantly shot me into a tirade. Probably a bit of an over reaction. And a bit later looking at one of the pictures of the baby immediately sent me to tears. Thankfully Scott, who had come up for the weekend to visit, was with me to handle both situations. At first I wasn't sure it was a good thing he was here as I was not allowing myself to grieve the baby's departure. When I'm around people it's very hard for me to show negative emotions. Since I wasn't letting them out about the baby because I wasn't alone, I was starting to not like that he was here. But after those two instances I was.

Saturday night I slept MUCH better, but I did wake at the normal time for her second night feeding. *resigned sigh* Things ARE getting better. Just taking some time.

I've decided I'm going to put together an album/memory book, that will help me. Plus, I can keep it up the more I see her. (And maybe even give it to her for a 16th or 18 birthday present, how cool would that be? I'd have stuff her parents wouldn't in her baby book. Assuming I follow through on it!)

I also have started an online baby book for her using the system I wrote last year (but didn't quite complete). If you're interested Sahara's Online Baby Book is here.

The pictures are in. Viewable here. My camera had shutter problems I did not know about until I saw this roll (GRR!), which is why the pictures have black corners.

- Her face contorting like the Stay Puff Marshmallow man when he first gets hit with the Ghostbusters' energy beams, when she goes to start crying. Everytime she was about to cry and made that face I thought of that scene in the movie!
- Lower lip pout
- Her smile
- Baby talk and sounds
- I made it through almost the whole week without her peeing during a diaper change, until that last night. And I couldn't see it happened 'cause I hadn't turned on lights, so when I went to put the new diaper on her I felt wetness and as like (What? Why is the pad wet, and my hand, and... OH! Geez!).
- Fun in the grocery store (Saturday trip, Friday trip she slept the whole time despite my mild attempts to wake her so I could baby talk at her a bit more).
- Spit up on my carpet - Apparently the baby does not know to stop eating until bottle is eating. When I switched to Breastmilk on Friday 'cause I had run out of formula that morning, I heated a whole bottle of it and as I was feeding her I wondered if she would stop when she was full. I didn't know how much to give her because Sherrone had said breastmilk was less filling than formula, and so assumed I wrong with the breastmilk that she ate so much more because she needed more volume. When the bottle was empty, I pulled it away and she was happy. Then as soon as I stood up and turned her round and put my arm around her stomach to put her on my hip, BLACH was the sound I heard, and saw milk all over my carpet!
- Night (last one?), time when we both fell exhasted after waaay too long of being awake, and my thinking "She's asleep, I'm in bed, I finally won. No... that was too hard, I lost so much sleep, she won. Actually, it was hard for her too. I think neither us won that battle."
- Her rejecting teething toy after a day and a half or so. Turned out it was because the toy couldn't get far enough into her mouth to get the back gums. She really liked when I used a finger to massague all along her gums top and bottom. Feeling a little sized mouth, and one that's all gums with a ridge running around the inside edge no teeth, is so wierd! But also cool.

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