I've been collecting my writings from years gone by as I find them. Each time I move - now 5 times in the last 3 years - I find more scraps, loose sheets, etc. with my thoughts from various times in my life. I've decided to copy as many of them as I can here to try and keep from losing them again, and to share with the world. Please feel free to comment as thoughts occur to you. Either send them to trekker9er@yahoo.com or use the comment links here. Thanks, and Enjoy!

Thursday, October 09, 2003

 To Be Edited Later (but wanted to get up before I forget to)

11/4/03 - A bit of editing has been done, but still have some to do

Jennifer: So, one way or another, however this IDF thing ends, I feel (and have felt for a while) that I owe it to a few people to let them know everything about me. I haven't lie, I don't intentionally and I try very hard not to at all! But I do not say everything, and I have to at some point, to let them all know who they are/were working with.
Jennifer: 'course I have no intentions of telling Star :p He doesn't deserve to know imo
Emily: How do you mean, let them know about you? Don't they already?
Jennifer: Anyways, I'm telling you this because I'd like you to help me draft the letter
Jennifer: Some may have already figured things out, at least some things
Emily: Okay, np.
Emily: Always glad to help.
Jennifer: But there's so much... and I keep thinking of this small exchange my last boyfriend and I had... I'm pretty sure it was insignificant to him, but it showed me he and I were not going to be able to have a down the line future
Emily: *Blinks*
Emily: I'm a bit lost now.
Jennifer: He said something along the lines of "I don't like manipulative people." Though he had said he loved me however many times before.
Emily: Grrrr.
Emily: You're not manipulative.
Jennifer: He didn't mean it towards me
Jennifer: But I am!
Emily: No you aren't. You just know when to keep quite.
Jennifer: And I said so, and he just reacted as you did now
Emily: I have never seen you maneuver someone to your own ends.
Emily: You just know what to say and when to or not to say it, how to keep things more low key when necessary.
Jennifer: Devious
Jennifer: That's the other word
Emily: You're not devious either.
Jennifer: Remember when you said how devious (or whatever you said) I was, for getting myself into the Admiralty, and then making it so they needed me?
Emily: You're.....
Emily: Trying to think I am.
Emily: I was joking.
Jennifer: Without them even realizing it?
Jennifer: You may have been joking, but it's true
Emily: So, you're not like Evil/bad devious.
Jennifer: No
Jennifer: I don't mean to be
Emily: and I would be careful, some people might take the whole devious and follow the line of logic that they see you as a danger to the fleet.
Emily: You're not, but still.
Jennifer: I like to help make things better, and sometimes I can't see a way to do that without being manipulative
Jennifer: Well, that's why I have to explain it all
Jennifer: And only to certain people
Jennifer: Because there are more factors that enter in besides that
Jennifer: Loyalty
Emily: *nod*
Jennifer: If someone/thing has my loyalty... it is fierce
Jennifer: Honor
Jennifer: and Respect
Jennifer: those two are tied
Jennifer: The more I respect someone, the less my honor will allow me to do something against that person
Emily: *nod*
Jennifer: Anti-Loyalty
Jennifer: That's another thing
Jennifer: Like, I will not eat Dominos pizza or drink Hood milk
Jennifer: Anti-Loyalty to those brands because of things they have done which I felt was flat out wrong
Emily: *nod*
Jennifer: However, I don't tell others not to use them, because my reasons are my own and people have the right to make up their own mind
Emily: anti-loyalty to star?
Jennifer: Yup
Jennifer: Exactly
Jennifer: In my resignation letter, I didn't tell people not to stay with him, nor did I tell them to stay. My reasons are my own, and so personal that I left because of them.
Emily: *nod*
Jennifer: But privately...
Jennifer: I orchestrated the whole plan to get Star to fail, because I knew in advance what the prevailing feelings of members in the fleet were
Jennifer: And going back further than that
Jennifer: I manipulated West
Jennifer: Of course, he made his own decisions
Emily: You manipulated West?
Jennifer: But manipulation can be so subtle with simply how you state, or actually in my case suggest something/pose a question.
Emily: *nod*
Jennifer: Back after he hired me
Jennifer: And we were discussing who to hire as a third to help is
Jennifer: *us
Jennifer: he decided on Dragonetti
Jennifer: Just after that, I got him to agree (at least enough) to the triumvirate structure, and not him taking up Deputy-CiC
Emily: It was a good move.
Jennifer: You think so. I think so. Many think so
Jennifer: But it was manipulative of me in how I did so
Jennifer: And it took time too, it wasn't an instant thing
Jennifer: Which is why (I've rediscovered these past few days) my ability for patience makes me so capable of what I do, have done without people realizing it.
Jennifer: SO many times in the last three days, people have been like "Oh no!" "Oh crap!" "What now?!" "We should DO something!"
Emily: You haven't manipulated me, have you? Not that I have anything like West or star that would give you reason to.
Jennifer: And I just keep having faith. Waiting for the *right* moment
Jennifer: *thinks*
Jennifer: No
Jennifer: I haven't
Jennifer: Or you and Link would probably still be talking
Emily: Lol, kay.
Emily: *shakes head* No. I got fed up enough to tell the creep off.
Jennifer: *sighs*
Jennifer: This is all a part of me I've really had to face the last few days
Emily: Although, you may be right, you might have been able to guilt me into it.
Emily: but I don't think you would have.
Emily: *Hugs* It's okay.
Jennifer: *shakes head*
Jennifer: I respect you too much
Emily: *Blinks* Why respect me?
Jennifer: I suppose it's okay. But it's shown me just how much I actually can do if I put my mind too it
Emily: *Hugs*
Jennifer: And how much I don't like it
Emily: You don't like it, you change it, or cut back.
Jennifer: Even when it's to try to make things better
Emily: and Maybe it's partially that your points that you suggested made sense to those folks.
Emily: If they ask for help, and you suggest it, then doesn't that mean that if they atcept it, it's not your fault?
Jennifer: Yes
Jennifer: I think the not liking it comes from me not liking confrontation
Emily: You can avoid some confrontation in this wy.
Emily: way*
Jennifer: *nod* true
Jennifer: Which is probably *why* I developed the ability
Jennifer: You know what I just realized!
Jennifer: GD it!
Emily: What?
Jennifer: I'm NOT feeling bad over what I've done.
Emily: Then what are you feeling bad over?
Jennifer: I'm feeling bad because of the conversations Star had with me
Jennifer: Forced, practically
Jennifer: That jerk manipulated me!
Emily: By you or him?
Jennifer: Lol
Emily: WHAT?!?!?
Emily: LMAO. Sorry, but, in light of the rest of it, What?
Jennifer: Wow, it's all so clear now, and I don't feel that pit feeling anymore
Jennifer: It was him
Jennifer: Not me
Jennifer: Or this whole situation
Jennifer: Him yelling at me, calling me names... it was him confronting me
Jennifer: (add arguing with me in there)
Jennifer: And like I just said, I don't like confrontation.
Emily: That caused you to do the manipulative stuff?
Jennifer: No
Emily: Explain then, I'm slow on the uptake.
Jennifer: It caused me to feel bad, and I assumed it was because of all that's going on and some of the manipulative stuff
Emily: Ah.
Jennifer: I felt bad because.. here let me give you an example
Emily: Okies.
Emily: *nod*
Jennifer: The last time I had a major confrontation, it was on behalf of my Mother, she couldn't go so she asked me to deliver an ultimatum to a small company who had not returned an item of hers or her money in two years
Emily: *Nod* I know about that. The chain vest thingy.
Jennifer: Yeah. I was maybe a third or half of the way into it, when my whole body started to shake.
Jennifer: I felt horrible, and was even about to cry by the end of it, like I was this morning
Jennifer: But I wasn't doing anything wrong, and my Mother hadn't asked me or sent me to either. She was in the right. And it had to be done to get her stuff or money back.
Jennifer: But I still *felt* bad anyways.
Jennifer: Simply for being involved in the confrontation
Jennifer: Anyways... I'll stop rambling now
Jennifer: lol, thanks for helping me figure this out
Emily: All I did was sit here, you did the work
Emily: But you're welcome anyhow.
Jennifer: Yes, but I wouldn't have if I hadn't have had someone to listen
Jennifer: Someone I trust enough to get so into myself with
Emily: *Hugs* I'm glad to do whatever I can to help
Jennifer: :)
Jennifer: Wow, I feel so much better
Jennifer: I even feel like eating!
Jennifer: But, I'm still going to figure out how to draft that letter to people. And when. West and Dragonetti at least deserve to know
Jennifer: Probably send it to Kolar and Mira too...
Emily: Kay.
Jennifer: So anyways, now you at least know some about the third part in me
Emily: Yep, but, it doesn't matter.
Emily: You're still just as much my friend as you were before, we all have darker or not as public sides.
Jennifer: *nod*
Emily: So, *Hugs*
Jennifer: :) *hugs* thanks
Jennifer: I keep mine as tightly under control and locked up as possible. But sometimes (as it IS the manipulative and devious part) I don't notice it's sneaked out in time.
Jennifer: *I don't notice in time that it's sneaked out.
Emily: *nod* I know how that is.
Jennifer: Heh, and then once in a great while, like yesterday, it cozies up to me and says "See what I can do for you?" as in that it is useful. And it's right on some things.
Jennifer: But then it asked me, "And you liked it too, didn't you?" Lol. And I realized I didn't, and said no, and shoved it back where it belongs.
Emily: *nod*
Jennifer: But enough about me!
Emily: Lol, It's fine, if you need to talk, I'm here for you,
Jennifer: Thanks :)
Emily: I just am not 100% sure how to respond, lol.
Jennifer: Guess I did more than I realized
Jennifer: Eh, not always necessary other than to just assure me you're listening
Emily: *Nod*
Jennifer: ;)

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