I've been collecting my writings from years gone by as I find them. Each time I move - now 5 times in the last 3 years - I find more scraps, loose sheets, etc. with my thoughts from various times in my life. I've decided to copy as many of them as I can here to try and keep from losing them again, and to share with the world. Please feel free to comment as thoughts occur to you. Either send them to trekker9er@yahoo.com or use the comment links here. Thanks, and Enjoy!

Thursday, August 21, 2003

 1995-1996 somewhere - Senior Year of High School

To Whom It May Concern,

Help me

I'm alone   so alone

Noone knows   noone understands

I can't say   I don't know how to tell

Why   why must I be the good one the reliable one the understanding one the moral one

If I were to break down they wouldn't know   "What's wrong with her" they'll ask   "What's your problem"   "Don't use that tone of voice with me"   I didn't   no tone   to yell "What did you say to me"   nothing   "Don't talk back to me"   I DIDN'T

Oh God

Help Me

I have no one   noone who knows   knows how I feel   what's inside   I could go insane and she would yell at me tell me to leave my attitdue in my room

                I could kill myself and noone
                would know why

There's a personality, a falsehood, that surfaces, covers me and my feelings whenever someone comes.

If I'm not alone I can't let me hurt, fear, sadness show. If I'm alone no one hears me, no one helps me, no one knows.

If I'm angry she scolds me, I'm not allowed to be upset, angry, displeased, or exasperated (fed up). Oh, but SHE is, and then it's taken out on me or him. And if she and I are mad at each other then one night's sleep or a few hours cures it. Says who!?! Not me! Anger doesn't just disappear, especially when it's not talked through (later of course).

I don't have anyone who I can tell.

I can't bring myself to tell anyone. I can't break through the

I'm sane but I'm overwhealmed

                                person who the world sees and knows. I recoil from the vulnerability that would come from telling someone, but...

I need someone (but please NOT HER!)

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