As I Live and Learn

Friday, July 25, 2003

Not been written before, but just as Important - Insight into me: Purpose In Life

I thought perhaps now is a good place for this.

Long ago, many years, I realized something. I suppose I've always known my purpose in life, but that one moment to actually consciously realize it, to have it in words and to have a full understanding. It's a very powerful thing.

And it's very important, the core of one's being: An answer to that ultimate question of Why am I here?

Mine is actually quite simply said. My purpose is "To Help Others."

And the other thing I learned in that moment, was another truth. Which was what my reward would be for following my purpose.

"If I am good enough, do well enough in my purpose, then my reward will be to have children."

Can you imagine how wonderful and powerful it is to know such things about yourself, your life?

Do you know how hard it is?


June 11/12, 2003 - Heart Wrenched

"She... she...," I closed my eyes, more tears fall as that
motion forced the wells in my eyes to empty. I took a deep breath
and exhaled just as slowly. Then I opened my sorrow filled eyes
again. "Sherrone's pregnant again," I said, almost as if she didn't
quite believe it.

My cousin is pregnant with her second child. No emergencies here, nothing technically wrong... just that this news was not good within the family, ESPECIALLY for me.

I tried to tell myself "It will be okay."

My face strained as the emotional pain hit me again. "She's
pregnant again... I can't believe it... I don't understand..."

And I also felt sad for not having anyone being able to be there with me. Though, I do have my shield against the world, that part of me to act normally for me
so I can suffer in peace. But most of all, I was sad for not having someone to turn to, someone to hold me tight and let me know I wasn't alone, because
I had no one near me (geographically) at this time to fill that role.

"I know life isn't fair," I continued, wiping my eyes and
trying to contain myself for the moment. "But I don't understand.
How come she gets two? She's not even 21 yet, and she gets two..."
my voice trailed off as my breathing came staggered again.

All I want out of life is to have children. Yet here I am, after so many years, still childless, not because I can't
have any, but because the time isn't right yet to start, no matter
how desperately I want to.

"And what are they going to do? They can barely make ends meet as it
is! Who knows whether or not he's working now. She's managing to make
a living as a nanny simply because she allowed to bring her daughter
to work to play with the couple's child. And what about school?
She's not going to be able to finish it now. I can't believe she's
pregnant again...."

The only reason Sherrone was married was because she got pregnant and
the guy's one responsible bone in his body apparently was to "stand up
and be a man". The only reason the two are still together was
because Sherrone had finally stood up for herself one day and
threatened to leave him. She had even had herself and the baby packed
up and out the door when he finally apologized and agreed to try and
change his chauvinistic behavior. But we're all quite sure it was just
because he didn't want to loose his daughter, not because he loved Sherrone.

That's not a good situation, for the children either. But I digress.

I leaned back slightly, my eyes taking on a far off look, my
face going blank. "I'm doing everything right, aren't I? I graduated
from a top college. I got a *good* job. I was even setting it up to
be in the proper position to provide a good home, owning my own real
house in a real neighborhood, neighborhoods like in the old days...
... Why does *she* get to have children and not me?"

I sniffled, as the crying started up again, softer this time,
but the emotions were intense again. "It's just... there are so many
children being brought into this life... who are given up at birth,
who's parents don't love them, who's parents beat them, who's parents
neglect them, who's parents can't afford them... why do they all get

...but not me?" I lamented, my crying intensifying as I continued to speak.
"Why do I have to wait? Why am I not allowed? Aren't I good enough?
Aren't I doing things right? To provide the best life for children?

My voice was cut off as I started to cough, choking from crying so

"Of course, now it's all messed up. Losing my job... I can barely
afford to keep my current place..." I coughed hard again, but
managed to find a small voice for a moment. "It's all falling apart...."

My inner shield tried to confort me, saying quietly, soothingly, "shhhh... shhh... it will
be okay," falling into that role of protector for
me from the world, and again I'm pained by the fact that there was no one
there for me...

"You know, I could give this place up, go find a lesser job, and just
start having children..."

"No you couldn't," commented my voice of reason.
I sighed heavily, knowing that was true, I couldn't bring
myself to act so immature and irresponsibly, especially with *MY* children on the line.

"She's pregnant again...," I said dropping my head, "and I'm

I went through the same cycle of thoughts for many times more
before I was finally spent enough to be able to cry myself to


The above may sound a little choppy. That's because I originally wrote it as a post for one of my online Star Trek sims between twin characters I play. But it was all really about me and how I was feeling that night after I found out Sherrone was pregnant again.

I had been figthing some major child envy this last Spring, and to get that bit of news just started to kill me. It still bothers me sometimes, maybe even bringing tears to my eyes...

For those of you who aren't perceptive enough to notice, the keys words to understand this all are "She GETS." and "but not me." I know logically that's really not what's happening. It's not that I don't *get* to have children while others *get* to like it's a privelage. But emotionally that's how I feel, and nothing that can be said seems to be able to change that feeling. *shrugs*


Tuesday, July 22, 2003

May 12, 1999 - Follow Up To May/July 1997

The Morality, or Lack Thereof, of the Death Penalty

        Justification of the death penalty and justification against it has been a long, ongoing, and sometimes heated debate. Both its supporters, such as Immanuel Kant and Ernest van den Haag, and its opponents, such as Stephen Nathanson and Jeffrey Reiman, claim that their views are morally right. I will attempt to show that despite the arguments to the contrary, the death penalty is unmoral.

continued here


This piece was actually written for the Moral Reasoning class I took my Junior year of college. But it details my thoughts/beliefs much more logically and gives actual supportive arguements, whereas the Letter to the Editor I wrote two years beforehand was almost completely emotional.

As it's six pages or so long, I'm not actually putting it up in the main blog and making the page so very long and perhaps longer to load. To read the full version, click here


Monday, July 21, 2003

Later 1980s - Elementary School

            A Unicorn has a horn.

            Witch he had.

            Since he was born.

            And hard hail

            blends in with his tail.

            With his tail and horn

            he's a Unicorn.


1 week in Summer 1998 - Grand Canyon Rafting Trip

"Sense of Wonder" - unfinished
(To the tune of "Sound of Silence" by Paul Simon)

Hello River, my old friend.
I've come to travel you again.
Because these people adventuresome
have come, with awe, your rapids to run.
And the canyon,
      that rises from your sides,
fills their eyes,
And catches their sense of wonder.

Down the River strong and cold,
tales of your history are told,
by the guides and by the canyon wall,
and the rockslides and waterfalls.
About your beauty,
      and what formed your present glory
an Ancient Story,
that catches their sense of wonder.

In oared boats we move along,
or in a boat pulled strong.
At night under the stars we sleep,
next to the River in the canyon deep.


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