I've been collecting my writings from years gone by as I find them. Each time I move - now 5 times in the last 3 years - I find more scraps, loose sheets, etc. with my thoughts from various times in my life. I've decided to copy as many of them as I can here to try and keep from losing them again, and to share with the world. Please feel free to comment as thoughts occur to you. Either send them to trekker9er@yahoo.com or use the comment links here. Thanks, and Enjoy!

Friday, July 18, 2003

 Off Topic - Quotes from my Parents

When I was in my mid-teens, I think that's when it was, my father said something that really explained me in one sentence. This is the closest I can remember to what he said: "It's amazing. You could be a complete optimist if you just let yourself."

I am, and have always been, an optimistic personality. Neigtivity only says with me for so long before I simply get over it and am happy again. I even used to never be able to hold a grudge. One night's sleep and all was forgotten, perhaps not even that long was needed! I say used to, as I did manage to hold one this past January/February for nearly a month I think. But once I realized what was going on, and that it was making me very unhappy, I let that go too. I think now it's not that I can't hold a grudge, but that I don't want to because of the negitive way it makes me feel in my chest/stomach. So yeah, even though much of what's in this blog is and will be negitively colored, that's only because that's when I felt the need to write to get my feelings out. When I'm my normal self - happy/content/or such - I tend to have no need to cope by writing. ;)

This past month, my Mother said something to me which I think she needed to hear more than I did at the time, but which I've since realized is probably one of my life's mottos. She said: "Remember, you come from a long line of mighty Oaks. We bend, but we do not break."

She is so right. When I think back on all my Mother had to endure in her life after her divorce, and all my Ma (Grandmother) must have had to endure from what I know of her life... I've always known the women in my family have been strong, some even independent women, and I've always known that I am a strong and independent woman. But it has helped, her reminding me of that with her quote during this time of great stress in my life: A sudden new job in a different state which I have to sell my condo and move for in only a matter of three-ish weeks. I Love my Mother and it will be very hard for me to leave the area she's in permanently, only to see her when I visit on the holidays. But she's right. I may bend - whether in sorrow or fear or stress - but I will not break.

 1992 to 1996 somewhere - High School

I lie here on the floor
Frustrated, Crying
It started when I couldn't find my pants
The purple sweats     I don't have any read ones either
I hate how my brother watches T.V. all day
He doesn't care about his homework
        or chores being done
Why can't I be like that?
Where's my Mother?
Why does she go out so late?
I want to scream.
I want to break something but I'll get in trouble
What about the chair, It's already broken, but I can't
I hit the dishwasher with all my might
I still don't feel the pain but it's there
I want to sit on the ledge of a window
And Jump
No, I'm afraid of dying
Which is worse.

I want to fly
I want to be a Dolphin
I want a baby
Why can't I have one now?
I want to be somewhere else
In a field full of flowers
Surrounded by a forest
With Snow
With Animals I can be friends with
On a pleasant, sunny, breezy, day.
It's all gone now
All the feelings
No, they're just bottled up inside me
And one day I'm going to snap.

 Saturday, Aug. 19, 2000, 12:12pm - Love In Life

      The more I think about it, the more I come to believe that I will never fall in love. I do love some people, but that's different than being in love with someone. Seth once asked me if I ever expected to fall in love, or be in love. At the time his question caught me somewhat by surprise, and so I answered before really thinking about it. I said "no." That was my first realization, and since then I've thought about it at times.
      Today I just thought about it again. Seeing Todd and Michelle together...
Both had been reading on opposite ends of the table, and then Todd suddenly looked up as if something very important and urgent had caught his attention. His movements carried him in what appeared to be one fluid motion to a kneeling position by Michelle's side. She, sitting in the chair placed her not quite a head taller than he. She looked from her reading to him with a questioning worried look. She too wondered briefly what was going on to have made him move as he did and so suddenly. He reached up with the back of his right hand. Oh so gently, he swept his hand back across her left cheek, the tenderness and caring of the gesture loud enough to be seen as well as felt. Her face melted into a soft smile. His reward, bestowed upon him echoing the emotions he presented.
      And once again


HA! It was dated!! Who hoo!

The writing ends there, unfortunately. I believe I was interupted but was going to write about how I again come to believe I will never fall in love. I had then asked the two of them permission if I could ever use what I had written in some formal work of writing I might do in the future. They gave me permission, Todd agreeing if I changed their names. Which I haven't done here as this is for logging/archiveing purposes for myself. Sorry Todd...

Erin, if you read this, please don't be upset! It was nearly three years ago, and it's meant to reflect my thoughts and feelings, not theirs.

Thursday, July 17, 2003

 November 2002 - Getting Ready!

Wrought Iron Four Post Bed Frame $80
Futon Mattress $150
Comfy Reclining Couch $667
Dining Room Table + Chairs $898
Dining Room Chandelier + Matching Light   $200
Painting Supplies ?
Bathroom Cabinet + Mirror Fixture $320-ish

Owning a home of your own... priceless
(actually, it's $208, 500)

There are some things over the credit limit.

For everything else there's Mastercard.

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

 May or July 1997 - Letter to the Editor (I never sent...)

      I was at work when I found out. A man put Saturday's newspaper down in front of me and handed me 50 cents to pay for it. The headline was one lone word in large bold print: "DEATH". I didn't have to look at the article to know what the word meant, bit I did look at the picture of him and the caption underneith. That just made it worse.
      As I am writing this, in between waiting on customers, I have to fight to keep control. My hands are shaking, my eyes are tearing, and my stomach is tumbling inside of me. My voice is weak but I still manage to stay pleasant with the customers. I'm not feeling this way because I am happy or relieved with the sentence, actually I am apalled. By sentencing McVeigh to Death those 12 jurors have become just what McVeigh is, killers. Killing a killer for punishment is not justice, it is simply murdering another human being; the worst sin and crime man can commit.
      In the commandment that reads "though shalt not kill" God did not mean only with certain cases should we not kill but at other times we can without it being wrong. NO ONE DESERVES TO DIE, NO MATTER WHAT HE OR SHE HAS DONE. And killing another human IS wrong, no matter what the reason or justification.
      Timothy McVeigh is a murderer and therefore he must be punished. Because his crimes were committed against citizens of he United States, our judicial system must be the one to decide his fate, which it has done. But using a crime as punishment for a crime is not justice. Also, any decisions made by our judical systems reflects on the entire U.S. population. We are all responsible for the decisions made because we are all part of it. Therefore, those 12 jurors have not only condemmed McVeigh to death, they also have condemmed all of us to be murderers too.
      This is not the first time the death penalty has been used in the U.S. but for some reason it has never seemed as real to me as it does today. I have always been opposed to the death penalty but I have never felt this deeply about it before, and I am ashamed of myself for that. I see the pictures of those who lost loved ones in the Oaklahoma bombing and my heart goes out to them while my tears are for the loss we all endured, especially the surviving family members. Still, I sm ashamed of all of us. I had truely believed that the U.S. society was the best in the world to live in today but now I don't. I had always been proud to be a U.S. citizen, and now for the first time in my life I am not. My tears are now not only for the victims of the bombing but for all of us who are members of the U.S. society. We have proven, and not for the first time I now realize, that we are not the advanced compassionate society we claim to be, nor will we be until the death penalty is outlawed in the U.S. I am not sure I will ever be able to again say that I am proud to be an American until that day comes. But I'm sure the day will come when we no longer murder our criminals because, for some unknown reason, I have faith in my fellow humans. I am sure there are others out there who fell the way I do. It is unfortunate none of them were on the jury to prevent this crime and sin.
      As I finish this letter I find that I've run out of words to express my feelings. The shaking and tears have stopped but a new sadness has decended upon my heart. I can feel it deep in my chest, joined with all the other sadness there. Soon it will be buried with the others and my optimistic cheerful nature will reemerge and take over again. I will then go on with my life, all of you will go on with yours, and this sadness will sleep indise my soul with everything else. In time all but a few people will forget what had happened this past week, just as well will forget about the bombing victims and have already forgotten about many other victims and tradgedies from the past. But this sadness in my soul will always be with me even if I do forget all the events that have occured, because it was caused by a crime we all committed together, and even worse, a crime that many people wanted to occur.

 Feb. or March 1999 - Junior Year of College

Don't tell me
        Show me
Don't talk to me
        Comfort me
Just hold me
      Is that too much to ask?


One day

I'm going to crawl into

My own little world

And Stay There.


The above two are copied as close to as I have written as possible, colors and all. The dating of them was fairly simple once I realized the "Parent's weekend" reminder note in the lower coner of the first one had to be Junior year (as Harvard only holds a Freshmen Parent's Weekend and a Junior Parent's Weekend, and one of the names listed on the paper was a friend I had not met until in my Sophmore year) which is routinely held in March. And for the second one I found notes on updating/creating my Great-Grandmother's tribute website on the back side, which I did for her 100th Birthday which was Feb. 29th 1999. Since I'm not sure if these were on, before, or after these clues to dating the writiings, or how long, I can only get as close as the month. But hey! Not bad!

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

 "Rearranging the Alphabet in random patterns - It's called writing."

Above quote I believe my notes here say is from "Grace Under Fire." Which places this sometime between 1996 and 2000. Lol, yeah, not very specific.

I am going to attempt to date each entry I make to when I originally wrote it down on the paper I have for it. However, many I think I will only know to about the year at best. (ex: Oh hey, I remember I was in Sophmore year of high school when I wrote that.) Except for perhaps the ones that were triggered by a specific "world event," in which case dating them should be relatively easy!

So welcome to my memories, thoughts, feelings, and opinions from throughout my life as I grew, observed, contemplated, desired, hurt, laughed, and just basically did as everyone else: Lived and Learned

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