It’s after 8pm and I’m not tired for the first time in… well in a long time!
I was starting to wonder yesterday if my tiredness at the end of each day was a symptom of the depression. Coupled with my sheer exhaustion as the night wore on yet inability to get to bed before 11:30pm – midnight (though cat naps would be had). Probably yes.
I noticed near the beginning of December that I have the most problems starting about the 4th of each month. That’s when I feel the most that I need help but can’t seem to pull myself together enough to get it. It happened in November, it happened in December, and then I remembered why the 4th….
So I was expecting the same this January 4th, but it started earlier. Dec 27th. The 29th through Jan 1st really helped (family Christmas for 2 days, Marianne’s New Year’s Day party), because I always do better after having spent long periods of time with my family (or friends), and because I was able to both forget and remember with support present.
I had a good Christmastime. Thanks to a gift card donation by Amber’s principal, I was able to uphold my mother’s tradition of going out to a Chinese buffet dinner on Christmas Eve. *Happy-sad smile* Christmas day was very nice, though the morning was too short, it made me happy. The next day I got to build a bunk bed and it was fun! (Building the stairs the day after that was NOT.) Ice skating with the step-family was great. Crossroads Village made my kids happy, which made it for me, and the dessert at the Italian restaurant was amazing. Family Christmas was good and exactly what I needed – 2 days! Hanging out with the Collins’ was so nice. Marianne’s New Year’s Day party, with a pleasant little present for me, was the perfect ending.
But this whole Winter break from school I have been refusing to engage with anything school related – as much as possible and even a little more. I was not looking forward to going back. Too much effort. Just. Too. Much. having to push through and force focusing. Oh, I am going to go back and will keep working on getting to medical school, but the appeal has been gone. I just keep reminding myself that I once cared about it, and I’m sure I will again. And near the end of last semester Orgo Chemistry started being interesting again. (Not that it hadn’t been all along, it’s just my capacity to have interest in it was gone for about a month and a half.) Though I didn’t regain interest in my other classes. Maybe a touch during one or two physics lab, but then lost just as quickly. And when I think about going back to computer programming, it’s not something I want (though it’s hard to tell if the lack of desire to do that is the same lack of desire to do school or a different one). So, onward.
And it’s not just school. I had no drive to donate blood. Isn’t that a big warning! I still did over Winter break as planned, because, again, it used to REALLY matter to me, and I’m sure it will matter again someday. And then I will be happy with myself for having done it. But I didn’t want to go, I just wanted to stay home and blah and I guess try to accomplish some imposition of order on my environment maybe. Eh.
I have not wanted to let go of Christmastime this year. More than usual. Christmastime was good. I want good. I don’t want hard, I don’t want effort just trying to think, I don’t want loneliness of being surrounded by people that aren’t my people.
And my class schedule this semester is pretty sucky. Bah, oh well.
OH! And the completely lack of snow on the ground this December (with the exception of less than 1/4 inch on Dec 30 that the girls and I went sledding on anyway and that melted by midday) has been miserable. Snow makes me feel better, lets me calm and center myself, helps me feel more like me. There has been NONE to help me since before Thanksgiving….
But I have managed to get done 2 of the 3 things I wanted most to do over this Winter break (the kids pictures from the last year and a half into their albums, and finished getting moving boxes cleaned out of my Armoire and the rest of my clothes put in!) I’ve also done a whole bunch of stuff that needed to get done, or that showed up unexpectedly as having to do, or that I minorly wanted to get done (like getting the last of the boxes in the kitchen finally unpacked, nice little weight off my mind). Still more will be done tomorrow. Though I will not get to everything that should be done, nor two other things I really wanted to get done (End of year letter with Christmas pictures sent out, and the Shutterfly book for Aurora), oh well. And I’ve only done two school related things, out of 6 or 7 that need to be done, one of which was buying my books for the term – definitely a high priority need that I’m glad is done.
Then yesterday I started feeling like I’m almost ready. I’m almost ready to start dealing with school, to go back to school. That’s an encouraging sign. Will I be ready in time for school actually starting? *shrugs* Who knows. But maybe it won’t be as hard, mentally / emotionally even if I’m not quite there.
Today I’m okay with letting go of Christmastime. Surprisingly to myself, I really am. Maybe the church undecorating event yesterday helped. And I have my birthday party to look forward to! A nice big one! No anxiety this year over if at least 2 people will show up. It’s my 40th, I KNOW people will show up! (The anxiety has been that no one will sing Karaoke or Dance with me. But last night I talked to my Aunt Bonnie and she mentioned that she and Cousin Rich were discussing what to sing at my party, so that fear has been assuaged. Yay!)
I love my Mom. I miss her. Today I was thinking that my life was no longer interesting as a TV show, the depression has gotten too tedious, and I was thinking how it’s unfortunate we can’t just wrap up our serious reactions to a serious event within a half hour episode of our life – or an hour long 2-part episode to allow getting deeper into the meaningfulness – like they neatly do in sitcoms. Then I thought maybe I’m in the middle of one of those montages meant to show the passage of time over a boring to watch period. Or maybe I’m in the 10-14 week Summer / Winter break where nothing changes / gets resolved in the character’s lives because episodes aren’t being made again yet. *shrugs*
Well, I’ve rambled enough and touched on everything I can remember that I think I wanted to write. Good night all. I hope you are doing at least better than I. And I’m doing better than I was, so there.