So Hard

It’s been so hard getting over the Summer slump and forcing myself back to working on getting into Med School, especially with Summer lasting so far into September. BLAH. But I did. It’s not an immediate path anymore, I have to take Biochem (1 class) and Organic chem (2 classes) first, somehow. Then I had to force myself to finish up again last week, which due to a not-meant-to-be-inspirational post from Lisa, I did! So then last Wed I went to the U of M Postbac MEDPREP informational open house. Informative! But, *sigh* challenges and having to “defend” myself and my actions thus far and then the follow up swirl of emotions to deal with: confrontation, obsession over if the wording in my application essays was just right even though its too late to change them, anxiety over waiting for an answer even though its the weekend now and doesn’t count towards the review time, ….

I’ve been wondering for a month (or two?) if I’m really doing the right thing. If I’m being fair to my kids. I’m not going to have a flexible work schedule as a doctor. I’m not going to be able to make last minute decisions or changes to our schedule. I’m probably going to have night shifts and lots of 12 hour shifts keeping me away from dinner and bedtime once through med school! I keep thinking how selfish I’m being. I know I’m a selfish person, I had kids on my own because *I* needed to. Now I’m planning to sell our house, possibly (but hopefully not) have to move Amber to a new school, and scale back on our lives, because *I* want to go to medical school. *sigh*

It’s so hard. Trying to find the best way to get where I want to be. Keep getting the timeline pushed farther and farther away because I need those 3 classes in order to do well on the MCATs. (Did I tell you how I did on them last May? Percentages are not how many questions I answered correctly, they are how many people I scored better than: 90% on Critical Analysis and Reading. 75% on Psychology and Sociology. 7% and 13% on Organic chem and Biochem.) But, at all local and online colleges, the 3 classes I need have prerequisite classes and the courses I took back in college have “timed out”. I took them 17 – 20 years ago, so they aren’t considered valid anymore. Only U of M doesn’t require prereqs, only demonstration of proficiency. So I’m trying to get into the MEDPREP program to take those 3 classes I need. Well, we’ll see. Two of the guys in charge recommended I ask the MEDPREP administration for a consultation on my application, to give me advice on what I really should be doing. I think if they say no to U of M Postbac MEDPREP program, I’ll just go take the courses online at UNE. It will end up being at least 5 or 6, instead of 3. More money. More time. :(

It’s just so difficult. And I keep going back to thinking how bad financially I’ve been doing this Summer and Fall. Trying to catch up, finally seemingly starting do so! And then another unexpected medical bill shows up. I know how to fix the money issues:
1) get a better paying job. I’m pretty underpaid, but I told my boss last year I was only going to work 37 hours a week, and I have a lot of flexibility, so I’ve been fine with it. Plus, why go through all the effort of finding and landing a new job, and then having to make it a priority to establish myself at the new job, when I’m planning to go off to Grad school?
2) sell the house now, buy a new smaller home of some kind with the profit, and then have at least half the monthly mortgage payment (if not more) as “disposable income” EACH MONTH!

This morning I started thinking about all this again. I could get a better paying job AND sell the house / buy a smaller place, and end up with ideally a whole bunch of extra money that I could use to do the other ideas to help people I’ve stacked up over the years:

  • A seasonal access free storage facility for homeless
  • “Penpals” app designed to ensure teens have friends when entering high school
  • Try to do the “same great medical care if you have Platinum insurance or only emergency / hospital insurance” doctor’s office idea despite not being a doctor myself. This involves convincing doctors to donate 8 hours of their time once a month to the office. And trying to get at least one insurance company to let the office buy X number of “beneficiary to be named later” insurance plans – basically buying coverage for X number standard medical procedures and screenings per month.

I’d be using my existing skills for these. Hopefully could save up enough money in a few years to go part time or even maybe early retire, and focus on the kids and the helping other ideas.

Then I turned on to Main St and heard sirens. I looked around quickly, nothing. I looked in the rear view mirror: Ambulance behind me. I immediately pulled over. As the ambulance passed me and carefully drove through the lights in front of us, I was reminded of a LOT in less than a second. Culminating with I NEED to be in the ER.

I can’t. I just can’t. It’s hard, but I can’t give up. I HAVE to go to Med school. I need to help other people in that way. And when the girls are off to college I can go do Doctors Without Borders, until there starts to be grandchildren. :)

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