I was unhappy today. Unhappy with my job, unhappy with my life – which is when I had to stop myself. I have a pretty good life, and I am NOT unhappy with having my kids. So I made myself stop thinking “I’m not happy with this, I’m not happy about that” and tried to figure out what was my problem.
Turns out my problem is Christmas. My problem is my Mom’s current condition. My problem is that I won’t be getting the presents I want on Christmas day. Turns out…
Turns out my problem is that the Christmases I used to know, I used to have, I will never have again. I will never again be the child getting the awesome present(s) I so much wanted. Now I will only be the parent giving the oh so much desired present(s). And while that is great – when you actually get it right and the child(ren) do truly love it – not being on the receiving end… it’s yet another part of the life you knew, lost.
My Mom’s primary speaking Love Language is gift. I don’t speak or receive gift when it comes to Love Languages. Or so I’ve thought for so many years. Today I realized that I receive gift as Love on Christmas. At least, from my Mom I do. Did. And will never again.
After last Christmas Michael told me not to buy presents from Mom for him, Rebecca, or I. I had taken Mom out shopping and helped her get presents for the two of them off of their Christmas list. He said it was too hard to take her out shopping for Christmas gifts. (Since I did it, the implication was: too hard for him.) I said we could buy them then. He said, and I quote, “that’s just us spending her money”. I wanted to say “Yeah, so?” but I didn’t. Mom has always hustled, stressed out, or worked hard to get just the right gifts on Christmas. Even when she got it wrong, the thought and effort and Love where there. She always wants to give gifts. She can’t stand not to! And now, she is not able to, and we will not be facilitating for her (except with the grandkids, we will buy for them from her).
Maybe I just get greedy on Christmas. Maybe I want other people to spend money on me to buy me things I don’t need. I want my presents. Is that so wrong?
I will get at least two presents off my Christmas list. One on Christmas, from my brother and sister-in-law. One later that week from the family Christmas gift exchange. And I will be sure to be happy.
Once I figured all this out today, things were much better. I was happy the rest of the day! Being able to code at work today made me happy. The Christmas music we played in the car and then at home made me feel happy and want to sing or dance. Aurora made me happy, as usual. Even cranky Amber for two hours couldn’t make me unhappy, though I still had to deal with whiny/cranky Amber and that wasn’t great. But she finally came around about 1/2 hour before bedtime (after having an all out melt down, which happily didn’t last as long as usual).
So, yes. Happy, mostly. I even got all of Halloween packed away tonight (it was taken down, but not all put away!). Let the Christmas-tizing begin!