As I Live and Learn

Sunday, January 06, 2008

I Had Been Happy

As the holidays started, I had the re-realization that I want a best friend here in MI of the female gender. But otherwise things went well, there were very good times, we had LOTS of snow!, and flying back from MA to MI went better than I expected. If flights are always that smooth I think I could take them without issue. I got some quality time with my Goddaughter, and both of her siblings, which was very nice. The only real bad things this year about the holidays were that I didn't get a full night's sleep for 5 days and it did wear on me, and that Christmas came and went too fast. I had been so looking forward to it, and thought I was ready as usual, but when the day finally arrived it felt like it was too early. Ah well. It was still pretty good.

The post Holiday quiet hit in a new way this year. Usually I just get lonely for a bit, or maybe a little sad. This year I thought things were going oddly fine. Then I was smacked upside myself while driving last night. It was bad enough I believe I can use the words "emotionally wracked". I   Want   A   Baby. And in that moment I was more than willing to drop everything and go have one. It hurt so bad. My desire for a baby has passed into an aching need. I might not ignore it.

I know this is being brought on by my 29th birthday. It's not turning 29 that's the problem, like turning 28 sent me into that early/mini-mid-life crisis because 27 was over. It's turning 30 that's the problem, and my self deadline of starting to have kids by the time I'm thirty. Well to do that, I need to be pregnant at 29. :|

This morning a friend e-mailed me and asked what I wanted, within reason, for my birthday gift. Here's what I sent back:

All I want for my birthday is lots of people to actually show up. I'm tired of having to set my expectations low at only 2 or 3 people and so convince myself I'm able to be happy if 4 or 5 show up, and yet still be upset when those who are supposedly my closest friends here in MI don't come."

Here's what I didn't send:

Actually, what I really want is any one of my so called friends to do something that shows me I actually mean something. Gifts are an easy out. Words are easy to say, but in the end meaningless if not supported. Somebody do something for me without me having to ask, dammit. Until last night, Jim, of all people, was the only one who's noticed when I've been hurting this last year and took a second to ask about it. Allison noticed last night, but then didn't pull me aside to talk. I wish Lisa had been there.... But maybe it's better she wasn't. So I can hold on to the thought that if she had have been she would have noticed me and tried to help me. Eventhough there was no being helped for me last night. I mean that as no one could have helped if they tried. But someone trying would have been nice.

Ever since I was admonished for not calling anyone when I was super sick and had no food in the house, when something is really big and I can't handle it, I like to think I call for help. There are plenty of times I haven't, but it's because I was able to handle things myself in the end. Or because it would have taken longer for me to wait for someone else to come than just pushing through the effort and pain to get done what I needed and the desire to not wait outweighed the desire to wait and have help. And two times I can think of where the worst of the time passed before I could reach anybody. But a real friend, if they're around, will notice when something is wrong and try to help. My "friends" here in MI aren't around unless I coerce them to be.

Call me for once. But not to see if I can do something for you, or because of role-playing, call just because it's been a while since we've seen each other and maybe you were thinking about me. Be the one who tries to initiate us getting together or hanging out for once. Why am I the one making all the effort in the relationships I have here in MI? Why do I always have to travel to everyone else (except Kevin)? Just because I can afford gas? That's lame. It's sad that I'm not worth more to a friend than $3.15 a gallon.

Crying's over, for now. I want a baby. The world sucks. I hate people. Yet I still want to help, go figure. I had another set (2) of stress dreams last night, in which the last thing that was said was:

I'm so confused.



Anonymous David V. said:
If someone repeatedly mentions that you sound 'off,' or uses some similar, less-than-shiny adjective to describe your phone demeanor, that is your cue to admit to being depressed or down or out of sorts. If you tell that someone that you are fine, they are obliged to believe you, not break out the rubber hoses and torture the truth out of you. I've called you. I'm hoping that counted for something.

Blogger trekker9er said:
Actually I've been meaning to make a post about how the very next day both you can Krysta called out of the blue. It was nice.

By the time you called, I was fine. :) I try very hard not to lie. In this situation you, Dave, had no chance to help because you had no contact with me during it and so had no way to even suspect something was wrong! I had considered swinging by your house at the time instead of going to Allison's....

Plus, when you called you said that you were stressing, so I went into support-mode, which overrides I-need-help-mode. Just FYI.

Anonymous David V. said:
Ah, the joys of less-than-real-time communication.... Sorry for the miff, there. I'll try to call again the next time I see a post like this, instead of flying off the handle in a semi-public forum. *hugs*

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