As I Live and Learn

Friday, September 07, 2007

Not Quite Mid Life

I see I'm not the only one in Michigan (or from MI) who had an bad time yesterday. Actually, the number of us is suspiciously high.

As for me, I have come to the realization I'm in an (early) mid-life crisis. *sigh* At least I'm not crying today. Hopefully I'll write more this weekend on this topic, but I have so much to do and so much I want to do I'm not sure it'll actually happen.

Emily, thank you. I love you. Please keep reminding me and helping me do.

In the meantime, here's a list of the big things I need to do:
- Monster Dice (that's code, in case certain people are reading this)
- Keep up with EMT homework
- Make all the phone calls to the people I've list out last week
- Make list of cleaning/organizing/packing broken down into 1 hour projects
- Write

- Check out information Emily sent me on fostering
- Start in on the cleaning

That should take care of everything that converged on me yesterday, except finding that group of people I can't seem to get to.

I still don't know where that path is that I'm supposed to be on. I can feel it, but I don't feel that I'm on it. More like I'm just a side-step off from it. So close, but I can't see it to get on it.

I realized today while talking to my BB Dave that the only thing that didn't hit me yesterday was my desire for a life partner. Odd. It's been a reoccurring issue for me the last two years, ever since I realized I don't want to have children on my own if I don't have to. But it was the only issue that didn't smack or haunt me this time.

I guess I am writing about it here instead of later, so here's more. With my lack of time now due to working full time and going to school part time, it only adds stress because I don't have the time to get other things done. Like the writing I've been so looking forward to doing Up North, but then only got one of three of them done because I had to catch up on EMT reading and homework. And now, because of all this, I feel the need to be with people more than normal. Which means even less time to get things done.

Jim told me today that when I called him yesterday I had a tone that he hasn't heard in my voice for years (or did he say a long time?). He could tell something was overall wrong. One of the very few people I can think of who can diagnose my emotional state when I'm trying to hide it from my voice.

I'm not getting enough sleep either, but it's not because of lack of time, it's because I'm just not sleepy. A sure sign of stress. I came home too late Wednesday night, and was so wired I ended up working on stats for about an hour before even trying to sleep (I was already in bed).

Yesterday I woke up and was quite awake, but didn't want to get out of bed for whatever reason. Once I did get out of bed, it all started to press in against me. I didn't even know what.

You know, I have friends who say I'm too logical. Yet the managers at work say I'm too emotional. *sigh* I can only think now that those who I thought were friends but think that about me must not be as good of friends as I thought. They obviously don't know me well. As for work, I guess I have to keep working on biting my tongue and choking back tears, as those are the only two emotions (high annoyance and deep sadness) I believe I haven't been able to keep in check all the time. I have been told by managers that I have made progress in keeping my emotions under control in general.

After heavy crying yesterday morning, I thought I had worked through enough to go into work okay. I was wrong, and started crying again in the car though not as bad. Flash back to after I moved to MI when I'd cry while driving in in the morning, heh. But it was for different reasons this time. I called Emily on the way to work, but she was at her weekly pregnancy check up. So I tried to figure out who I could turn to for help. I came up with a plan to track down Dave at work, and it held me - gave me comfort and control - long enough that Emily was able to call me back before I went through with the plan. An hour in a closet later, both she and I felt better.

We addressed most of what I had figured out were my issues. I figure the trigger of this break down was the news I got on Monday from HealthMedia (which I can't write here, just in case). I always have a delayed reaction to things, the big things. Then there's the inability I've had for the last three weeks to have time clean out all the clutter in my bedroom, which has been wearing on me since I see it every morning when I wake up and every evening as I go to bed. Plus, while I'm glad to be taking my EMT class, reading about the death related things I'll possibly be facing - and how to recognize the obvious and inobvious signs of death - and what happens to children that EMTs see.... Yeah, enough on that. The class has also been testing my patience because it had been solely lecture so far, and once I was caught up on the reading it was lecture on things I already knew! I know enough now to know I do not want to be an EMT-Basic. I don't know if I want to proceed to Paramedic or some other medical field, which is why I'm taking the class. To see if I can handle being in medicine. So I'm definitely not going to quit it, but it's already wearing me. Which leads to the biggest reoccurring issue I've had since I turned 28: what do I want to do with my life? How do I even find out? As I told Mom a couple weeks ago, I need to make forward progress in my life again. Which is why I was looking at buying a house in Ann Arbor, and why I'm taking the EMT class. But without knowing what I'm progressing to.... *sigh* I realized having a house in Ann Arbor shouldn't be my first step into that city, being twice as far away from work isn't going to make me happy. Then, of course, there's the children problem. *heavy sigh* Want. But not like this. So, I've decided it's time to look into being a foster parent.

Emily nailed it on the head when she said I have a lot of love I need to give. I don't have the child(ren) or needy or friends to give it to here. My closet friends are the furthest away. And those who are here and I'm closer to, aren't close enough yet for love like I do Emily, or did T and Kat. I don't know if I'll ever find again a friend to love like I did Amy.... The one friend here I know I could love, will be leaving me. Er, leaving the state. And so that path only leads me back to where I am now. While my family here and I are finally starting to get closer, we're not close in the idealized way that family exists in my head.

I have rp friends, work friends, a couple fun friends, and a very few good friends here, but I don't have any "professional" friends from the same type of educational background as myself. Why can't I find those kind of people? Where are they?

Wow, have I ranted. Ah well.

But just because I've identified the issues that caused my break down, doesn't mean I've coped with them. Did I even note them all yet?

Tonight is the first time that I can remember that I have wished I lived with someone, that I've wanted a roommate. I just need(ed) be in the same physical area as a friend. To me, even if we're not doing something together, being around someone is spending time with them. All I wanted to do was go over someone's house with my laptop and "ignore" them so I could get things done but still be with someone. Right now, short term, that's what I need to get through.

Last one: *sigh*


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