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Saturday, January 13, 200728 ThoughtsToday is my birthday party. Tuesday is my 28th birthday. I was expecting reflection then, but it came today instead.Part of me feels like I've wasted, no, lost time. If I had have gone to school to be a doctor after I moved here to MI I'd already be into my third year. Year two is supposed to be the hell year, so that would already be behind me. But instead I'm exactly where I was three years ago, the only difference being I have money in the bank now. Which is good, but did I choose the wrong path in hopes of being on track in my life plan of children by 30, and find that I could have instead been on track for happiness in my life? I am not unhappy. As I sat here today, in the midst of baking and cleaning and washing and packing up Christmas, I found myself crying a lot at a movie that usually makes me smile. But it's not because I am sad. It's because I am still in mourning for my past. My lost friends, my lost innocence. And still I realized that I exist now in that state above unhappiness. It's not happiness, because no one can be happy all the time. I've been happy plenty in the last few years, but once you're happy and you get used to what made you happy it become normal, and so you need something else to make you happy again. But I've managed to climb into that good place: where I'm not sad for no reason, where I'm not constantly struggling with negative emotions or using distraction tactics to keep from putting myself down. I'm... content. That's where I live now. And yet, that contentedness is what's driving me down it seems. It's like I have nothing to strive for anymore. Most of my goals have been met. What do I do now? I feel like I'm drifting along, meaningless. I also realized today that while the friends I have made aren't as close as I want them to be, that I've set myself up for the future. I'm always looking to the future, planning for the future. And while some of the friends here in MI will drift away as their lives lead them on, and some I know I will never progress further with because we aren't compatible enough as friends, that at least two of them I am clinging to now whenever I'm allowed will eventually be able to cling back to me once the children are older and they have time. And I think they both want to have me as that close of a friend, so I will hang in there for these few years banking on the time when it's our time. Then there are those lost friends I mentioned. A time in my life this movie ("Now and Then") has reminded me so poignantly of. But you know, three of them - four - five? - I still talk with occasionally. I even get to see two or three of them once or twice a year when I'm back in MA. And this last time was so great. Couldn't I hold them a little closer? Try a little harder? To patch, if not fill, that gap that I wish so much hadn't happened in my life? More importantly, I realized that I need to do what I can for the close friends I do have, especially eventhough those that aren't here in MI. They are more important that if I have enough vacation days at the end of the year. (Though I do have to be careful to not mess up Christmas too much.) Which means, I'm going to TotalCon. I said a while ago (on another blog) that I don't have any dreams to aspire to. Really, it's that I had forgotten them in the details of life, rebuilding here in MI, and trying "to things right". I used to want to work for NASA. I still do, even though it very likely wouldn't be possible here in MI and I really don't want to live in the South. I used to have dreams, and I can't remember most of them. Hopefully since I've been looking for them they will resurface in my mind. Of course children was one of them, and I am still working towards that one. But that's the only one. As I grew up I had some romantic-type notion of moving back to MI, to Ann Arbor to live. I do still love Ann Arbor, and a couple years ago walking around there and it feeling like home to me was one of the things that helped me through that rough time. But I'm not sure it's really where I want to raise a family. Maybe I just need to do some leg work in that department. In the end, I suppose I'm doing alright in the friend department. I suppose I haven't quite gotten over my past. I suppose I'm set pretty well on my "safe" life plan, eventhough it isn't the glamorous or totally fulfilling thing. But it is the thing that sets me up for my future, whatever that may be. I'm about to be 28. The what in my head should have been the magical year of 27, is almost over. My future was supposed to be happening now. It's not. And it bothers me that I'm staring down being behind on my life. I hadn't planned anything for after the age of 30, except maybe more children that I already was going to have. It hurts me to have to move the plan back. I don't want to. And for now, I'm not going to. Eventhough I don't want children the way I used to want - need to have them. Don't get me wrong, I still want children (which is a step up from after that hard patch a few years ago where I no longer had a want for children). But it's not an immediate desire, hasn't been for years. I know the empty feeling in me right now is because I'm not doing anything to help others, to do for the community or greater good. I'm leaving the Red Cross because it simply hasn't worked here for me. Volunteering at the hospital early last year didn't work either. I need to find something to do, some way to give of me to make things better for others. Then I'll be happy for a while, and settle back into contentment. But it'll be a contentment that doesn't annoy me - I hope! My birthday party is today. As the day drew nearer it seemed fewer and fewer people were coming, eventhough I asked around for which day would be good and I set the day and time to be doable for those I wanted most to come. But at hearing all the excuses, most being the same one of LARP - (side note: I find it very interesting, no, make that very annoying, that when I offered not to have my party of a Sunday for the GM of a game most of my friends are in that runs on Sundays, he told me not to worry, that my birthday was more important than a game. This from a guy who is in so many games I thought it was one of the most important things in his life. Yet people I am supposedly better friends with have been telling me they might not make it to my party because of a game. Perhaps I need to change who is on which list of friends.) - I set my hopes at only three people showing up today. Three, and I'd be happy. Two and I'd be fine. As of this morning it sounds like four will be coming. Yay! It should be a good birthday after all. Even if one of them backs out last minute, I should still have three. Well, I'm about all out of thoughts. Other than I only have two hours to get this place and myself ready before the party officially starts (not that more than one person ever shows up on time). If you have any thoughts to contribute, I would love to hear them. "Be Excellent To Each Other," -Jennifer Comments
hismostfaithful said:
hey babe you know i so would of went to your party but i work weekends.. i have monday and wensday off if your free we can try to get togheater and hang out and have a little party of our own... oh and by the by happy belated birthday.. *hug*
trekker9er said:
Thanks :) And I know, and I appreciate it. I have Tuesday off, which means I should be able to hang out Monday night if you want. *hugies* -Jennifer
hismostfaithful said:
sure if you wanna hang what ya wanna do?... Allie is probley gonna call off work.. so if ya want you can come see our place.. it's smaller and not as cool as yours of course but we have kittens *smiles*.. we're kinda on the broke side we can take back bottles and stuff if you wanna do something else.. give me a hit back or call me tommarow.. i'll put up my aim tonight so it will be on when your at work tommarow.. .. our number is (removed by editor)... besides the party blowing.. how was your b-day?...
trekker9er said:
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Actually the party turned out good! Six people plus baby showed up, and we had fun. I can't tell you how my b-day was 'cause it hasn't happened yet. Tomorrow! -Jennifer |
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