As I Live and Learn
 

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

The Long Version

Now that I'm not fighting down anger, pain, and sadness, nor having to hide silent tears behind my monitor to keep co-workers from seeing, I think I can get through this.

To those who know about my metaphorical Wall, this will make more sense. I'm not going all the way back in time, but to start properly, I think, to keep most people from getting lost I have to go back about four years.

There was this girl. She is an amazing woman, as a friend of ours put it. And I gave her my heart.

I never told her. I didn't need to, because... well I really liked her. If she'd been into girls too, it wouldn't have happened. But she was unattainable, and so she was safe. She couldn't hurt me, because nothing could ever happen between the two of us. So it was okay for me to let my heart go.

After we both moved out of Massachusetts, and I stopped hearing from her, given enough time I guess it kinda faded. I will always hold her dear, but *shrugs* I guess my feelings where stuffed because of my life starting over here and having to deal with all that.

She's not the only one I've given my heart to for safe keeping throughout my life. At least I think she wasn't, though she may have had it the strongest. But she's the one I was most recently thinking about. And now you understand that one part of me.

-

Well, recently, I found I had given my heart to another. He was supposed to be safe, because he's leaving for the military. We dated for a few weeks near the beginning of this year. We broke up because while we had fun sometimes, other times it was like we just couldn't click.

He's not the one for me. But... I like him. And he treats me so wonderfully. So, some minor attraction there, and he's about to leave for six weeks in boot camp and then 40-some weeks training. Like Meghan, he was safe.

Was.

I've been spending more time than usual around him, because he is leaving. Friday he came over to hang out just the two of us. Yesterday too. The long and short of it is I was under the wrong impression about his feelings for me. And for some reason I felt it was okay to get a little physical with him when I thought we were in the same place, and I really just wanted to feel...

And then he told me he loves me. And I shut down.

If I had have just let things alone, gone to sleep in his arms, I wouldn't have found out. We both would have been happy for a night, and a morning.

So my problems last night and this morning have been that:
- I don't want to lead him on
- I've added another name to that list, and it hurts me to hurt him
- I was stupid to ignore my instincts (TWICE), knowing what I should and should not have said or allowed, just because that other side of me wanted the physical attention
- I refused to let my defenses put that brick back in the wall that took so long to get past, and so I have to face the arrgh of it
- hating myself for how I am
- Knowing this is only going to end in one of two ways: tears or violence (see "Moods" in the sidebar for more info surrounded by a different specific instance.) And he asked me not to cry...

The poor thing, he didn't even know what he was running into. Smacked face first into my Wall.

And I let it happen, because somewhere the clue-by-four missed me, and because of my own desires that I didn't realize set him up against my defenses. He didn't have a chance....


 

Comments

willowwolf28 said:
Sweetheart Im sorry...
I understand how you feel- about the "wall" and all...

if you need anything- call, or come see me.
Its a drive an all, but Im here.

*hug*
 

vosch_karanek said:
I know more then most, and as a result not going to do any coments except this one... YOU NEED A HUG!!! *HUGS* You know no matter what I am always and will always be available for you... And we will work on bringing the wall down... *smiles*
 

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