As I Live and Learn

Sunday, April 30, 2006

So Many Updates, So Little Time

Things I've been thinking of posting about:

- Nails. I've been SO good about not biting, I was almost going to post about it. Then a little over a week ago all of a sudden nails were disappearing left and right (literally). I really don't know what happened! The best I can come up with is that the stress of working 40 hours in 4 days did it. I'm REALLY annoyed though, because I've been steadily getting better about biting my nails over the last few years. And yes ever so often I'd have a nail biting fest, or get set back just a little, but it's not been as bad as the week before this last one. It really had been a super long time since I bit a nail so much my finger hurt the next day. Until this time around. Arrgh! My nails had been looking pretty nice too. *sigh*

- Strep scare. So Wednesday after work the Pontiac game started up again. (It had been on hold due to Joshua's birth, until Kim (and Steve) would be able to deal with gaming for a few hours.) Apparently that night after all were gone Leah threw up bad, so K & S took her to the doctor's Thursday morning. I got an AIM from Kim Thursday afternoon saying Leah had Strep Throat, and so all of us at game might be infected. :/ I didn't post this next part because I didn't want to jinx myself. I've never had Strep before. For which I'm glad! And I definitely didn't want to be getting it now, even though it might have been an interesting experience. Mostly I didn't want to get it because it would blow away all my weekend plans. Gaming, donating pherisis for the first time, and going to Jessie's house warming party. I hadn't seen Jessie in well over three months, if not more! Then, after I heard stories from people at the office who have had it, I didn't particularly want to be sick like that either. Prayers to God, vitamins, a home-remedy old-wives-tales preventive measure, and made sure of enough sleep, and I didn't get it. Yay! *knocks on wood and own head again*

- My relapse. I still have an unfinished post about that. But the problem for me now, is it seems - if I start to be honest with myself - that I'm not really happy anymore. I mean happy, like I have been. I'm not sad or depressed, but no longer it seems am I actually happy. I got through the initial problems, started dealing with the relapse (or so I thought/think). And then it seems I put on a facade of me as I have been, wanting to feel and be that way again so much I believed it and didn't look under the surface to see I have been lying to myself the last couple weeks. My first clue was when I found I have turned almost all of my non-work attention to gaming, the games I am in, and even one I rejoined with a new character, which I told myself was because I simply wanted to be with my friends that Saturday. And I'm pretty sure it was, but it meant adding another game to my roster eventhough I was at the max I want. Gaming has always been an out for me. Once (or twice?) I even let it take over my life, but the one time I needed to do so for my own sanity. I know gaming is one of the ways I cope when I need to. So the increase in my gaming and in my thinking about the games I am in, was my first flag. I thought I might need to be concerned when I noticed that was going on, but I couldn't find a reason for it so I just let myself be confused and moved on. I didn't really notice I am still recovering, still dealing with the relapse, until yesterday. I was forced into facing myself when I started crying for a pretty stupid reason. My emotions are usually pretty close to the surface, but to just fall into tears at the drop of a hat (or the bump of a car in this case) was too much. There's a well of "negative" emotion running rampant beneath my surface right now, it feels like me how I used to be during the 5 post college years. I have apparently been ignoring it, so much that I didn't even realize it was there, I assume because I want to continue as I was before the relapse. But I'm going to have to face it. *sigh* *groan* I don't want to. It can get so hard. It's so annoying! ... I guess my Dad was really right. I have to go through it all again to get back to the good place I was, no short cuts from the relapse back to happiness. I guess that's why it's called a relapse. :p

- Pherisis (sp?) donation. Not gonna write out the whole experience, and after experiences, right now. Just going to say it was pretty cool, very interesting. The afterwards were odd, peaking at a might scary (it's very disconcerting for someone who can read their current state pretty well to be SO wrong in an assessment). And to say that I am very glad Michael was there. Thanks.

That's all for tonight I think. I hope all is well.

A few last words: Baby! (Lisa's is SO sweet.) Vacation! (I'm starting to plan it.) AIM (It's nice to be wanted.) Jessie! (Wish I get to spend more time with her.) RP friends (I would love to connect on a deeper friendship level with many of you.)

Where can I find a nice girl or guy to date?!



willowwolf28 said:
Depression is dealt with by many of your gaming friends,
and if you're ever feeling as if you need a person to talk to,
or a place to be- something to help you cope and bring yourself out
of it, Im here.
I've got a great little thing called Borderline Personality Disorder.
(Which is probly not a good thing for a gamer to have, lol.)
But it makes me respond to certain problems a certain way, and I've had trouble changing that for over 6 years.
I've got stories to share and a shoulder to lean on.

I'd love it if we could be closer doll. *hug*

Let me know if you ever need anything, and I do mean anything.



dreamsoffire said:
Since Lisa beat me to it, I'm just going to second everything that she said. And I do mean everything, including the fact that I have BPD, and have lots of fun stories to share about coping with mental issues.

And I, too, am here to talk to whenever you need someone.


Anonymous said:
"Where can I find a nice girl or guy to date?!"

-I wish I knew. If I did, I'd be shopping there. So to speak. +)


vosch_karanek said:
*clears throat...* *holds up finger...* *Thinks better of what I was going to say...* lol... seriously though... you are always there for me even if it is to tell me what I need to hear, and not what I want to... I hope you know... but if you don't... you can always use me in the same way. *winks* *hugs*

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