I've been collecting my writings from years gone by as I find them. Each time I move - now 5 times in the last 3 years - I find more scraps, loose sheets, etc. with my thoughts from various times in my life. I've decided to copy as many of them as I can here to try and keep from losing them again, and to share with the world. Please feel free to comment as thoughts occur to you. Either send them to trekker9er@yahoo.com or use the comment links here. Thanks, and Enjoy!

Friday, June 24, 2005

 Baby Saga, Day Seven


Awful night (probably worst). She kept waking up every half hour or so. After a few times and even moving around in her stroller not working, when I went to check her stomach to see if she was having gas problems she grabbed my hand tightly with both her hers and wouldn't let go. Even as she calmed and started back off to sleep, she didn't let go. I realized she must be doing the clingy thing again and so brought her stroller in right up next to my bed. I lay down to sleep with my hand on her in the stroller, I figured I can sleep without one hand for a night. But even that didn't keep her calm more than an hour or so at a time. Nor did her usual feedings (which were cut short by me having to ration the formula as I was almost out!) nor did feeding her Pear baby food. I finally got her to sleep again, after a good half hour battle or so, by whizzing around my living room with her in the stroller. Then, stupid me, thought "I should put her back in her bassinet, not let her sleep in her stroller", and woke her up, so another half hour of fighting to get her back to sleep. Yet again she woke on not long enough time. It started to dawn on me she wanted not only to be close to me with contact, but she was best soothed when in my arms, and the best way to get her to sleep was likely to lay down with her laying on me (part of this inspiration I think was because of how tired I was). Sure enough, she immediately calmed down and then fell asleep. So finally brought her into bed with me, and she slept pretty well. Unfortunately my realization was not made until 6am. Either a clingy phase is starting, or the longer she's away from parents the more she needs the reassurance I'm still here.

In the morning, once all the night's frustration was forgotten (which didn't take long after her first smile at me) it sank in she was about to leave me. I played Shania Twain for her - as her favorite music is country and Shania Twain is the only country CD I own because I do NOT like country, only about six songs from the genre - and when "From This Moment" was playing I tried to sing along but started crying. So I made the baby a promise that "as long as I live, I will love you." It helped me gain some peace.

While changing her, when she was clad only in a diaper, for whatever reason I put my hand up against her stomach, and noticed for the first time that her skin color is the same as mine. Almost exactly, allowances made for the various tan shades I have. I don't know why this was of much significance to me, likely because of me no wanting to let her go. Another form of bonding? Skin color rarely matters to me, when I deal with or about people it doesn't occur to me to think about their skin color in relation to whatever is going on. Which is probably why it took me so long to notice she and I have the same color.

She really like sleeping on me. I put her face up on my chest and stomach, and she clams right away and will fall asleep. It even worked today while I was tired and just wanted to rest while she fell asleep so I could then go online to check in with work. I love that her being so close to me is comforting to her.

Try to not watch as much TV



Forgot to mention before:
- Steve discovered she loves Elmo!
- She loves the mall too. Aunt Cindy had similar success taking the baby around the mall as I did.
- When I had left the baby with Cindy and gone to work, the baby started crying. (Most likely) Because I left! While it's sad in a she feels abandoned again way, it is so nice to be wanted like that!
- Looks like me? But we're not even blood related! (The women at the mall all agreed. Even said she has my eyes.)
- The Mama Sway. I've been doing it all week with the baby. Things such as that and baby talk and the like come naturally to me. But I've been caught by others, and have caught myself, doing the Mama Sway even when I'm not holding the baby. As far back as Sunday at the mall. It's gonna be hard to not do it after she's gone. Probably will be hard to sleep too, despite the amount I am lacking from this week.
- She doesn't like anything covering or on her legs and feet.

I can't believe it's been a week already. Doesn't feel like it. I'm going to miss her. Have to get as much happy time in as possible before she goes. The family is going to arrive a little earlier than I expected to pick her up. *sigh*

---

I cried the way home from meeting up with her family. I'd still be crying now, but Steve let me babble at him about how I am, and I'm trying to do stuff to distract myself. I got more attached than I meant to. I miss her more than I want to. Twice during the week, while things were good, I wondered "if they'll let me keep her." I didn't even mention it before now because I knew they wouldn't. I did however ask Sherrone to talk with Ricky and asked if I could be one of her godparents. Yesterday I asked Amy, Dad, Step-Mom, and Mom all if it would be inappropriate or tacky if I asked to be the baby's godmother. The consensus was no, though no one really knew how to go about asking, and it was settled on to ask if I could be "one of her godparents" as some baby's have more than just one godmother and godfather. So now all I do is wait.

And go up North next weekend with the family for the 4th, where I'll get to see the baby again.

Kim is coming over soon to keep me company tonight. Grateful for that. I should probably go shower before she arrives... it's been a hot and teary day.

Thus ends the Baby Saga. Baby's name? Sahara.

Comments

vosch_karanek said:
Whelp... I read all of your chapters and have come to this conclusion... I was correct in dubbing you my angel... and you are going to be a great mom when the time is right. God is watching and I am sure that he was pleased as you handled the latest test. I almost felt as if I was with you as my heart melted, especially with you latest entry.

Don't take this the wrong way... I love ya and am glad to have you as one of my best friends in the whole world.

Okay... enough mushiness... have a big *e-hug* till I get to see ya and a very good job with the baby. *big smiles*
 

Post a Comment

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?