As I Live and Learn

Sunday, August 15, 2004

April 26, 2001 - My First Time Talking To My Mother Like This

Mom: I took the cloaks to Rob last night. He hasn't responded yet.

Me: You're surprised by that?

Mom: Well I had hoped he would like them and patted me on the back. Last time I left them, he sort of threw them aside without looking at them. Then when he did, he rally liked them, so I sort of thoughht that he would make a point to look at them this time. May be he doesn't like them. If you had taken them to him at least someone there would have admired them.

Here it is: I'm sorry Mom. I feel bad enough about forgetting to take them (the robes she made for Madrigal for Rob). And I'm very sorry that you have been sick and working on them for Rob and he didn't even say Thank You for all your effort. But I'm not going to let you guilt me any more over this. I've had enough of bad things happening this week and I've had my fill of feeling bad. And I'm not Rob nor his keeper, I can't make him do anything or tell him how he should act.

Her reaction (typical): OH, Time out. I clearly am not the cause of all this. What are you feeling bad about?

My responce: Saturday morning I got my period just before a LARP. Then I lost my character. Sunday morning I rear-ended another car. Monday I was dumped. Tuesday the power went out at work and we had to stay doing nothing for hours waiting for it to come back on. Then I forgot to pick up a couple robes from you to deliver to Rob and you made me feel crappy about it. Wednesday morning I overslept and was late for work nearly missing an important meeting. Then my new sunglasses broke.

Mom: Okay, you're right. Can I send you some Godiva Chocolates? You didn't tell me about the car or the dumping, or I would have been supportive. You know that. And I have two LARP characters that I love so I would have felt bad about that too.

Mom: Were you hurt in the car accident? How is your car?

Me: It was just a fender bender. I was going about 10mph, not even. I'm fine, the car has a bent liscence plate, the other car had a few paint scrathes at most.
Me: And thank you, but I'll pass on the chocolates
Me: I know you would have been supposrtive, but none of it seemed largeenough by itself for me to get upset over. Everything's just been piling up I guess.
Me: And I hadn't had a chance to talk t you before Tuesday night.

Mom: By the way, you do know it wasn't the fact that you didn't pick up the robes. It was a pattern of events leading up to it.

Me: That you feel I've been dising you ever since I started college?
Me: That I've changed into an unreliable person who doesn't care about other people like she used to?

Mom: Not since starting college, just since graduating.

Me: ah

Mom: I am sorry i have to go back on the bench. I love you. You are still almost perfect.
{I start crying because of the last sentence.}
{I try to think of something to say back before she signs off instant messenger, but don't.}

Thoughts running through my head include:
How is it she can still hit buttons so deep even when I'm guarded?

So all this is my fault, just like losing Amy was my fault

Why? Because I've changed. And apparently not in a good way.

Apparently doing things for me first, because *I* want to means I've become a bad person, or at least not the good person I used to be.

How did she know? Does she know what song I listen to when I get into depressed moods or when I'm down on myself (that being "Perfect" by Alyniss Mourisette)? Does she know my issues usually come back to me knowing I'm no longer the perfect daughter (and friend, and good person in general)? And knowing that that bothers her?

Whatever it is that has been trying to break me or test me this past week, are you satisfied yet?!? I hadn't let anything get to me, some of it I even found amusing as it happened and after! You almost had me on Tuesday when I forgot the robes and Mom made me feel horrible about it. But I managed to not go under, though I wasn't in a good mood either for the rest of the night. Then Wednesday I was in a "I'm not being a pessimist, I'm being a realist" mood, though I could have snapped on a co-worker at any time and nearly did. But now you finally got me. It hurt, I'm crying, I'm upset with myself and whatever else, I succumbed. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!?



Em said:
*hugs* You don't have to be perfect, (although I think you're the best best friend ever) You just have to be yourself, worms and all (from the quote, "Worms add Flavor, ie, Flaws add character) You are perfect so long as you are yourself and happy and are true to yourself.

And now, to be totally sacraligious. WHY be perfect? Why would anyone even WANT to be perfect? There was only ever one suppossedly "perfect" human being, and he got crucified for his efforts. Being perfect is _highly_ overrated.

trekker9er said:
Yes, I know that *now*. But back then it was still a hard concept to accept. And growing up... well geez not only was there not the option to be flawed, it never even occurred to me that was a possibility. It wasn't that I thought I HAD to be perfect, I just was without thinking about it. (I'm not trying to boast, it's simply a fact. Both my parents and other family members have said that growing up I was a perfect child. Even one of Mom's friends one day was bemoaning her children and asked "When do I get a Jennifer?")

No, for me it was that doing right all the time and doing what everyone else wanted from me or expected of me was the right thing to do. And not doing the right thing was being bad, and by definition being wrong.

Which is why my mother was able to make me cry and be miserable for several hours in Disney World ("the happiest place on Earth") without ever touching me or raising her voice. All she said was she couldn't believe what I had done and how could I have been so stupid? (I don't believe she used the word stupid, but that's what it came across to me as. I think she said irresponsible.)

Which is also why as I grew independent during college and afterwards, and I developed the need and desires to place myself before others in my priorities, it was an awful time for me. To know I was for a long time I was considered perfect.... and now was not.

Trapper4077 said:
I don't know what to say here. I believe I've been imperfect in my mother's eyes since I was 14 so it doesn't hurt me as much when she demonstrates that I am 'faulty.'

My mom just arrived back from Zazahstan ... and well I've been busy with that bit all day. Needless to say she, my dad, grandmother and I won't be using British Airways for several years now, LOL. I'll try logging into blogger and see if the post 'BC' text can't be put as black text. I might try changing templates at least so the background isn't pure white, that way white on white won't happen again. I've been asked to post another song on one of my simms so I'll do it later this week. Darn it, my Fall semester begins on tuesday which means time for simming will be cut short once again. As if August wasn't bad enough that simming took precedence over blogging.

Trapper4077 said:
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.

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