Me seeing all the posts / announcements / invites for Medical School social events (especially those with free food or dancing):
Aw, I really would like to go. It’d be so much fun. I’d love to see my classmates. I remember a time when I was able to do stuff like that whenever I wanted.
Me looking around my home to figure out why I can’t do those things anymore:
Never mind. I’d rather have my children.
I just wanna run blood drives, give NASA presentations, and play with / sing to / care for babies (including mine).
Second time this year I’ve had a clear vision in my head but not the visual artistic talent to get it out, and have been unable to find a picture online that’s even a close enough.
So today’s existential crisis that should be summed up in one picture but will take hundreds of words instead:
I keep a protective eye out. I watch over those who need protection, or need comfort but I’m the wrong person to provide it, or just need to rest. I am the Mom. I am your Mom when she isn’t here and you need her. I advocate for you when you can’t for yourself. I search for your Mom when you are lost or stuck on top of the monkey bars. I block the lane in the freeway with my car so yours doesn’t get hit (again). I sit by you and chat supportively as you process your emotions while waiting for your spouse or other family to come rescue you. I gently reach out so you aren’t scared as I lift you up or down from your place of hurt or fear. I keep watch over the home, occasionally checking on you from the doorway while you are sick and quietly making things more condusive to you getting well. I enjoy this role.
Today I realized I do not have a place to go to take my rest under watchful eye. I can not go to my Mom’s house, crawl into a bed, and sleep knowing I am safe because she is there. I can go crawl into my own bed, but I do not have a partner to be there while I rest to watch over the homestead and myself. I have good friends (great friends!), good family (loving family!), wonderful children, a safe warm home… and no one, or place to go, to watch over me as I rest after I have spent all my-ness watching over others.
Is it depression when you ARE still interested in things, but those things are only sleeping, playing Animal Crossing, and maybe eating? Or is it just life fatigue / self-preservation?
Third option: viral prodrome
It was the fourth of October
That day I’ll never get over
‘Cause that was the day, that my Mama died
About 1/3 way into the Base Hospital Expo yesterday, I realized I could do adult version Trick-or-Treating! Yay free candy!
I also restocked my family’s pen supply ;)
Thursday was the Autumnal Equinox (at 9-ish pm EDT) and here in MI the weather took the change of seasons VERY seriously! We went from 80s and humid on Wed (UCK! YUCK!!!) to 40s in under 12 hours, with daytime rebound only to about 62. I LOVED IT! Crisp 55 degrees, yellow leaves still attached to trees blowing in the wind = Happy.
Thursday I also got the results of my lab tests which added a multivitamin (for iron, Vit C, and Vit D) to the BP medicine change my doctor gave me to start. So relieved my last 2 weeks of symptoms turned out to be so easily fixable!
Friday I “forced” a Family Night:
- Dinner eaten together at the table
- About 30 min of board games (each child picked one, playing both took about 35 min!)
- Family movie or multiple TV episodes we all agree on, while having popcorn, M&Ms, craisins, and potentially any other non-crumbly non-staining dessert. (We watched “Yes Day”)
Saturday morning Aurora climbed in bed with me an cuddled like we used to do when she was 4.
So between enjoying time with my kids (on Sat too), enjoying outside, and finally feeling well, and enjoying my ACNH addiction, I have found it incredibly hard to motivate myself to do school work / stuff recently. *shrugs*
AEROSPACE MEDICINE! It’s a real thing! It’s a real medical residency! I COULD TRAIN TO BE AN ASTRONAUT Dr!!
I got to hug my Nana last night, even if she was stretched out taller than normal.
I got to hang out with / talk with my Mom last night, even if it was shopping.
Severe fatigue after walking or doing activities of daily living from Thursday evening through Sunday noon. On Saturday morning I suddenly got stabbing pain between my shoulder blades that did not resolve with stretches or laying down. I starting checking my blood pressure, and noticed the pain got worse when my blood pressure was higher (over 180/95) and got better – but did not go away – when my blood pressure was lower (but still over 150/85). I started having cycles of feeling not well with needing to lay down / sleep to feeling relatively fine and back. I went to Urgent Care to get an EKG to make sure I wasn’t having a heart attack. Urgent Care sent me to the ER Saturday about 11:15am.
My symptoms matched those my father had when he had his heart attack. The Urgent Care said no current heart attack. The ER said no signs of heart attack.
The only other thing I can think of is that the cyclic fatigue and malaise feels like when I had a suspected case of COVID-19 back in July (both my tests were negative though). But I did not have the pain then. The ER COVID-19 test was negative.