Progress

Watched Fuller House and cried today (2 episodes, last ep of 4th season and 1st ep of series, cried during both). It was good. A needed cry. Not so much cathartic. More like sweet memories that remind of the loss.

I can feel my brain starting to rewire. Changing back towards optimism and calm from grief and anger. It’s only a matter of time now.

Update 01/17/19: I’m much closer to being back to who I was than who I’d become after October. But there’s definitely one new jaded (Merriam-Webster definition not Dictionary.com definition) piece to me that ain’t going away.

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Normal?

Felt normal three times today, 2 were for a few hours. The first time it was an odd feeling. Second was kinda nice, though this time didn’t last long. 3rd time, I’m getting used to it. Wonder if it’ll continue or if I’ll backslide again. Feb 4th? 3.5 weeks away. We shall see.

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Recap Addendum

Tiredness returned this afternoon. Oh well. All to-dos for today were done with a little extra garage work done too. I thought the tiredness subsided again after second lunch (I eat 4 meals a day). The mental tiredness is gone, but much body tiredness has gripped me since dinner. I feel a little bit bad for Aurora, she kept wanting me to come with her to other rooms, I just couldn’t. But I offered to read to her, we played with dress up shoes on the floor for a while, and I showed her how a couple things worked. She was happy with all that. Amber only wanted me to be near her. As she only moved rooms twice, and at anticipated times, that was easy enough.

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Recap of the Last Two Weeks and Beyond

It’s after 8pm and I’m not tired for the first time in… well in a long time!

I was starting to wonder yesterday if my tiredness at the end of each day was a symptom of the depression. Coupled with my sheer exhaustion as the night wore on yet inability to get to bed before 11:30pm – midnight (though cat naps would be had). Probably yes.

I noticed near the beginning of December that I have the most problems starting about the 4th of each month. That’s when I feel the most that I need help but can’t seem to pull myself together enough to get it. It happened in November, it happened in December, and then I remembered why the 4th….

So I was expecting the same this January 4th, but it started earlier. Dec 27th. The 29th through Jan 1st really helped (family Christmas for 2 days, Marianne’s New Year’s Day party), because I always do better after having spent long periods of time with my family (or friends), and because I was able to both forget and remember with support present.

I had a good Christmastime. Thanks to a gift card donation by Amber’s principal, I was able to uphold my mother’s tradition of going out to a Chinese buffet dinner on Christmas Eve. *Happy-sad smile* Christmas day was very nice, though the morning was too short, it made me happy. The next day I got to build a bunk bed and it was fun! (Building the stairs the day after that was NOT.) Ice skating with the step-family was great. Crossroads Village made my kids happy, which made it for me, and the dessert at the Italian restaurant was amazing. Family Christmas was good and exactly what I needed – 2 days! Hanging out with the Collins’ was so nice. Marianne’s New Year’s Day party, with a pleasant little present for me, was the perfect ending.

But this whole Winter break from school I have been refusing to engage with anything school related – as much as possible and even a little more. I was not looking forward to going back. Too much effort. Just. Too. Much. having to push through and force focusing. Oh, I am going to go back and will keep working on getting to medical school, but the appeal has been gone. I just keep reminding myself that I once cared about it, and I’m sure I will again. And near the end of last semester Orgo Chemistry started being interesting again. (Not that it hadn’t been all along, it’s just my capacity to have interest in it was gone for about a month and a half.) Though I didn’t regain interest in my other classes. Maybe a touch during one or two physics lab, but then lost just as quickly. And when I think about going back to computer programming, it’s not something I want (though it’s hard to tell if the lack of desire to do that is the same lack of desire to do school or a different one). So, onward.

And it’s not just school. I had no drive to donate blood. Isn’t that a big warning! I still did over Winter break as planned, because, again, it used to REALLY matter to me, and I’m sure it will matter again someday. And then I will be happy with myself for having done it. But I didn’t want to go, I just wanted to stay home and blah and I guess try to accomplish some imposition of order on my environment maybe. Eh.

I have not wanted to let go of Christmastime this year. More than usual. Christmastime was good. I want good. I don’t want hard, I don’t want effort just trying to think, I don’t want loneliness of being surrounded by people that aren’t my people.

And my class schedule this semester is pretty sucky. Bah, oh well.

OH! And the completely lack of snow on the ground this December (with the exception of less than 1/4 inch on Dec 30 that the girls and I went sledding on anyway and that melted by midday) has been miserable. Snow makes me feel better, lets me calm and center myself, helps me feel more like me. There has been NONE to help me since before Thanksgiving….

But I have managed to get done 2 of the 3 things I wanted most to do over this Winter break (the kids pictures from the last year and a half into their albums, and finished getting moving boxes cleaned out of my Armoire and the rest of my clothes put in!) I’ve also done a whole bunch of stuff that needed to get done, or that showed up unexpectedly as having to do, or that I minorly wanted to get done (like getting the last of the boxes in the kitchen finally unpacked, nice little weight off my mind). Still more will be done tomorrow. Though I will not get to everything that should be done, nor two other things I really wanted to get done (End of year letter with Christmas pictures sent out, and the Shutterfly book for Aurora), oh well. And I’ve only done two school related things, out of 6 or 7 that need to be done, one of which was buying my books for the term – definitely a high priority need that I’m glad is done.

Then yesterday I started feeling like I’m almost ready. I’m almost ready to start dealing with school, to go back to school. That’s an encouraging sign. Will I be ready in time for school actually starting? *shrugs* Who knows. But maybe it won’t be as hard, mentally / emotionally even if I’m not quite there.

Today I’m okay with letting go of Christmastime. Surprisingly to myself, I really am. Maybe the church undecorating event yesterday helped. And I have my birthday party to look forward to! A nice big one! No anxiety this year over if at least 2 people will show up. It’s my 40th, I KNOW people will show up! (The anxiety has been that no one will sing Karaoke or Dance with me. But last night I talked to my Aunt Bonnie and she mentioned that she and Cousin Rich were discussing what to sing at my party, so that fear has been assuaged. Yay!)

I love my Mom. I miss her. Today I was thinking that my life was no longer interesting as a TV show, the depression has gotten too tedious, and I was thinking how it’s unfortunate we can’t just wrap up our serious reactions to a serious event within a half hour episode of our life – or an hour long 2-part episode to allow getting deeper into the meaningfulness – like they neatly do in sitcoms. Then I thought maybe I’m in the middle of one of those montages meant to show the passage of time over a boring to watch period. Or maybe I’m in the 10-14 week Summer / Winter break where nothing changes / gets resolved in the character’s lives because episodes aren’t being made again yet. *shrugs*

Well, I’ve rambled enough and touched on everything I can remember that I think I wanted to write. Good night all. I hope you are doing at least better than I. And I’m doing better than I was, so there.

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Shower Sans Kids

Every Sunday morning I take a shower. Two weeks ago I made it through my whole shower without a child coming to find me, coming into the bathroom, complaining or yelling. (I first noticed when I was washing then conditioning my hair, and still no child). As I was drying off, I could not hear any children. My Mom Alarm was going off big time: No interruptions? Children being extra quiet? WARNING! WARNING! I hurriedly threw on bare minimum clothes and went searching through the condo. I found both children in the playroom, laying on Amber’s 6′ stuffed unicorn, reading. Reading! Whew and wow! Think it’ll happen again today?

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Recent musings #1: Winter Skins

Recent musings #1:

Last week it was 39° and partly Sunny here in Ann Arbor. I was outside without gloves or hat and with my coat unzipped. Amber didn’t even want to wear her coat. I saw a man out pushing a baby in a stroller. I saw a woman out walking next to a true to the word Toddler. I saw people walking dogs, instead of just having them “go” in the yard and coming right back in.

Man do we make 39° look warm!

To be fair, we had just spent about 2 weeks with highs in the 20s. We’ve clearly all got our Winter Skins.

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Where Am I, Friends?

Earlier this week I realized that I have not seen any of my friends, except for my bfMI Maha and that was only once, since September (August even?). Oh, and there was also that one chance encounter with a friend at church.

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Watch Out What You Offer

Yesterday was my last “midterm” exam, and all papers / videos / debates already done. Final exams start next Friday, with an important class day on Tuesday. So I told my kids if they’re going to get sick, as in need to stay home sick, the next 6 days is the time to do it.

Last night Aurora was up multiple times with coughing fits of varying duration, and woke this morning with a low grade fever in the morning (99.7). Today I get a call from Amber’s school that she’s complaining it hurts and her throat feels cold when she breathes in. I checked in on her and her tonsils are swollen.

Neither have stayed home / come home early yet. Amber’s rapid strep test was negative so I took her back to school’s after care. Aurora seems to be doing “better” tonight after an initial rough round of coughing while trying to fall asleep.

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Plan D has been revoked

Plan D has been revoked. I will simply be trying to make it through the rest of the semester with an A- average. There will be no attending Medical school for the Fall of 2019 for me. It will have to be 2020.

Any suggestions of what I can do during the dreaded “gap year” will be entertained starting May 25th.

——————

> Alice Dancler: I wish you lived closer! I wish I could help!

Thank you. There’s really nothing anyone can do to help. There simply isn’t enough time given my current mental-emotional state. It’s taking me so much more effort to get non-kid things done. Sitting at the end of class trying to make sense of the stuff the professor just said because I’m not grasping meaning or connections like I usually do. Because things aren’t sticking like they used to do. To force myself to keep paying attention to reading or homework because my ability to concentrate is shot. To force myself through the not-caring about school work because I know I used to care about this stuff and I know I will care again someday. It’s just so much more effort, and there isn’t any room to give me the extra time I need to push through the mental cloud.

One of my advisors is recommending I drop a class as well as having given up on plan D. I’m so far into the semester, I don’t want to. It’d be such a waste of time and money and the effort I have put in so far. But I don’t know if it’d do more harm or more good to keep all my current classes.

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I’m Hungry

For the fourth day in a row: I’m hungry, I want to eat, but there’s nothing here I want to eat. I don’t even know what I want to eat. I’m just hungry. And I don’t want any of this stuff. Not even the candy or junk food.

Even when to the grocery store this morning and bought bunches of food. Still nothing I want to eat right now.

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